


Saving You, Saving Me

by MyJediLife



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo Pain Train, Car Sex, Eventual Smut, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Masturbation Interruptus, Sex, Slow Burn, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, SwoloFic, alcoholic ben solo, comatose rey, paramedic ben
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2019-10-24 05:55:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17698895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyJediLife/pseuds/MyJediLife
Summary: Ben Solo is an alcoholic med school dropout. Working with his best friend, Poe Dameron, as a Paramedic in Hanna City has given him a way to fund his addiction to alcohol - but he finds his life is empty.Until the day he saves the life of a college student, and he finds meaning to life again... and love.Now, if only she would wake up so he could talk to her.





	1. Water Rescue

**Author's Note:**

> Mentions of alcoholism and some violence of the car crash variety.
> 
> Our Drunken Idiot meets his Obsession - and we start the ole train o' pain rollin' down the tracks!

[](https://imgur.com/ILxrBx3)

Ben Solo leaned against the bumper of his rig, drinking the last of his coffee as he watched his partner, Poe Dameron, gobble down the last of a bag of Doritos. “That shit is going to kill you, Dameron,” he remarked, shaking his head and rolling his eyes as Poe balled up the bag and tossed it into a trash can before throwing his hands up in the air and proclaiming, “Three points! Yes!”

 

“Yeah, well, your fifth of whiskey a day habit is gonna kill you, Solo. Guess that makes us even,” Poe replied, his eyes looking out over the beach. This was their normal spot to decompress on a shift when they got some down time between runs. Life in Hanna City was always in motion, which meant they were busy for most of their twenty-four hour shifts. Luckily, they were both single, which meant that on their days off they could do whatever the hell they wanted. For Poe, that generally meant hooking up with whatever girl he’d been chatting up that week, and for Ben, that meant drinking himself into oblivion and sleeping.

 

Real exciting stuff.

 

Both their radios came to life at the same time. “Unit nine, unit nine, we have a MVA with water rescue at the junction of Highway 17 and Beach Drive. One female victim, CPR is ongoing.”

 

Ben eyed Poe, “C’mon, Dameron... another day in paradise!” he said, before hopping into the passenger side of the rig, keying up his radio as Poe got in and put the rig onto the road as quickly as he could, hitting the button to activate the lights and siren. “Unit nine responding to MVA. ETA three minutes.”

….

 

Rey was so pissed.

 

This was the third time this week that Jessika Pava had called off work, meaning that Rey, as the manager, had to work a double shift and close by herself. Tonight was pizza and movie night with her roomies, Finn and Rose, and she had a ten page paper due on the newest therapies for bovine cardiomyopathy due at the end of the week.

 

She was stressed to the max, it was her senior year of her undergrad degree, and if she didn’t keep her grades up she would never get into vet school.

 

Rose, of course, didn’t even have to crack a book to get a 4.0 in her engineering classes, and Finn – well, Finn was getting by. Rey knew he would make an amazing social worker when he was done – he had a passion for helping kids that had been in the same situation that they had been in.

 

Her phone started ringing in her purse, and Rey reached over to pluck it out. Her fingers decided to be uncooperative, however, sending her phone flying onto the floor on the passenger side of her car. “Fuck!” Rey shouted, slamming her palm into the wheel as she glared down at the phone.

 

Rey had always heard that at the time of your death you see your life flash before your eyes. She didn’t have much of a life growing up, though, so the only thoughts as her eyes went back to the road in time to see her car skidding towards the guardrail was of Finn, Rose, and a sincere hope that they would remember to feed Phasma, the Golden Retriever she had adopted in her sophomore year.

 

The car plowed through the guardrail, sliding down the embankment, the airbag deploying as the car hit the still frigid waters of Lake Hanna, glass from the shattered windshield raining down in the interior of the car like millions of rainbow razors. Rey’s vision turned red as blood started to run into her eyes, and a low moan escaped her lips as her eyes closed, her last thought being of Finn and Rose as she slipped into unconsciousness.

…

 

Pulling onto the scene three minutes later, Poe barely had the rig stopped before Ben had his door open, hopping out onto the side of the road as he surveyed the scene. The small subcompact car was resting in the water of Lake Hanna with just the top of the roof showing. Going around the rig to the back, Ben threw the doors open, grabbing his bag with the AED and everything he would need to treat the victim, not waiting for Poe to grab the stretcher before he was on the move, running towards where he could see the police, one of them doing compressions furiously on someone.

 

Ben had gotten halfway through medical school before he dropped out, and he knew damn well that time was of the essence when dealing with a near drowning. If the woman had sustained any damage to her brain, that would reduce the amount of time they had to act – and the fact that CPR was already in progress didn’t make her prognosis that great coming out of the gate. Still, it was his job to save lives, and as he got to where the victim lie, he pushed his way through the tangle of officers standing around, kneeling down next to the woman as he did a quick visual assessment of her injuries.

 

Looking up at the police officer pumping her chest, Ben growled, “Stop the compressions for a moment, let me take over.” The man complied, and Ben watched the woman’s chest, looking for the rise and fall that meant she was breathing. Seeing none, he proceeded to check the carotid artery on her neck, feeling for a pulse. Nothing.

 

Grabbing a pair of bandage scissors out of the pocket on his uniform pants, Ben cut the woman’s shirt open, quickly applying the patches for the AED as Poe made his appearance at his side. “Get the line started in her, Poe, we’re gonna need to push some Amiodarone stat.” Poe nodded, already working on finding a suitable vein in the woman’s arm.

 

After getting the AED powered up, Ben waited for the mechanical voice to give him the prompt to hit the button to deliver the shock to her heart, looking at Poe to make sure he wasn’t touching her. Giving Ben a slight nod to signal he was clear, Ben hit the button, watching the woman’s chest rise and fall as the AED delivered a shock to her heart. Reaching down, he checked her carotid once more, a small smile coming to his lips as he felt a pulse. It was weak and thready, but it was _there_ , and before he could check to see if she was breathing again, she let out a wet cough, water cascading from her mouth and splashing on the ground.

 

“Poe, we need to get her on her side. I’ll hold her neck in place while you roll her,” Ben said, Poe already in motion, grabbing Rey’s side and looking up at Ben, who had his hands gently on both sides of her neck to hold it in place. “One, two, three,” Ben said, and on the count of three, Poe rolled her onto her side, both men watching as more water left her throat and another wet cough escaped her lips.

 

Looking around, Ben lifted his chin at the nearest cop. “You! Get me the backboard from our rig. It’s orange, hanging on the right hand side!” The officer nodded, turning and running back to the ambulance. Looking at Poe, Ben said, “Grab the c-collar out of the bag, let’s get it on her so we can get a line in her finally and get the hell out of here.” Poe retrieved the plastic collar a moment later, placing it around the woman’s neck and gently velcroing it in place after Ben moved his hands. The officer returned with the backboard, and Ben placed it under Rey so that they could easily roll her onto it on her back.

 

Poe set to work starting an IV, while Ben replaced the AED patches with one from the heart monitor in his bag, so that they could monitor her heart rhythm on the way to the hospital. Watching the small digital screen, he was happy to see that she was in a normal sinus rhythm now, and so he set to work taking her vitals, frowning as he noted her temperature. Looking up at one of the officers, he asked, “How long was she under the water?”

 

“Not long,” the man replied. “There was another vehicle behind her, a Good Samaritan went in the water and got her out within a couple minutes.”

 

Ben nodded. “Thanks, we’re taking her to Regency.”

 

Poe was getting the woman’s information from another officer, and Ben continued to monitor her, not liking the fact that she had also become hypothermic from the frigid water. Grabbing a metallic survival blanket from his bag, he wrapped it around the woman, adding several other blankets on top of it as well.

 

Finally looking at her face and really taking it in, Ben felt his breath hitch in his throat.

 

_She looks like Sarah. For fuck’s sake._

 

Ben reached out, touching the woman’s face softly before tucking the blanket around her tighter.

 

“Alright, Solo. I got the girl’s info. Her name is Rey Sands, twenty-four years old. Cops got her phone, so they will contact her family. Let’s get her in the rig… you okay?”

 

Ben pulled his eyes away from the woman’s – Rey’s –face, looking at his best friend and nodding. “Yeah, I’m good. Let’s get her in the rig and to Regency.”

 

They loaded her into the rig quickly, the readout on the small screen telling Ben that her vitals were holding, and her temperature was rising slowly. As he settled into the small jumpseat next to the stretcher and pulled out the tablet to start charting the run, he felt Poe pull away from the scene, the siren and lights coming on as he accelerated.

 

Ben’s eyes kept going to Rey’s face though, and he ran a hand through his hair, closing his eyes for a moment.

 

_So what if she kinda looks like Sarah? Don’t be a dumb fuck, Solo. She’s just another run, just another life you helped save._

 

Somehow, Ben knew that wasn’t true. Opening his eyes, he looked down at Rey, pushing a piece of blood encrusted hair off her forehead.

 

_Just don’t die, okay? You need to live._

 

He was going to need more than a fifth of whiskey tomorrow when he got home, for sure.


	2. Lovers and Madmen Have Such Seething Brains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Much alcohol is consumed. Furniture is broken. Everyone's favorite drunk pays a visit to his sleeping beauty...

[](https://imgur.com/bnFhOn5)

Ben Solo was as drunk as he had ever been, and still he couldn’t get  _ her _ out of his head. Lifting the glass to his lips, Ben was disappointed to find that only half melted ice remained, which meant he’d have to get off the couch to get more whiskey. Shit.

 

“Oh, FUCK IT!” He yelled into the air at absolutely nothing, throwing his glass against the wall, where it shattered into a thousand pieces. The television was on, a movie from when he was about fourteen playing as he watched it with eyes that weren’t really seeing much of anything. Numbness was the name of the game for him today – because it was his day off, damn it – and he could do as he pleased.

 

“That’s right, FUCKERS! I have the day off, and I. AM. DRUNK!” Ben shouted, not caring if the people living in the other half of the duplex heard him or not.

 

Standing, Ben laughed as the room spun momentarily, reminding his alcohol-riddled brain of one of those Merry-Go-Rounds from his elementary school playgrounds. “Wheeeeeeeeeee!” He said, flinging his arms outward, which caused him to lose his balance and fall to the floor, his glass and wood coffee table bearing the brunt of his weight with a loud crash. “Oh, shit. I fell. Benny go boom.” Ben giggled, finding that crawling towards his goal was far easier than trying to stand. Unfortunately, this meant crawling through shards of glass, leaving his hands and knees cut and bleeding by the time he reached the counter in his small kitchen.

 

Reaching up with one bloodied hand, Ben somehow managed to pull himself up to a standing position, his face splitting into a grin as he saw the half full bottle of whiskey resting on the counter. A pout came to his lips when he realized he had shattered his favorite glass, the pout quickly fading as he grabbed the bottle and somehow managed to pull the top off and get it to his lips.

 

He didn’t need a damn glass. He’d drink straight from the bottle.

…

 

“Goddamnit, Solo.”

 

Ben opened his eyes halfway, trying to focus on the voice of the person kneeling beside him.

“Dameron, you asshole. Leave me the fuck alone. It’s our day off,” Ben groaned out, his words slurring as he spoke.

 

Poe’s voice was clearly annoyed as he answered his best friend, “I would be leaving you alone, if you weren’t a fucking drunk. You were supposed to go to your Mom’s today for a family dinner. When you didn’t answer your phone or the door, they called me. Come on, Solo. Don’t make me drag your ass into your bed. Stand the fuck up, let me help you.”

 

“No. I was fine sleeping here. Leave me alone.” Ben threw his arm out, hoping to slap Poe so he would leave, so he could go back to sleep.

 

“You’re laying on your kitchen floor in a pool of blood, asshole. Come on!” Poe grabbed Ben’s arm, forcing him to sit up. “Ben! Come on!”

 

“FINE!” Ben yelled, trying to get to his feet, but finding he couldn’t as his feet slipped in the still drying blood on the floor. His eyes opened wider as he took in the mess, looking up at Poe, his eyes wide with surprise. “Shit, is that blood? Did you hit me or something?”

 

Poe sighed, shaking his head sadly. Grabbing Ben’s arm, he threw it across his shoulders, helping his best friend into his bed, his eyes worried as he watched Ben start snoring almost immediately. Going to the bed, Poe rolled Ben onto his side in case he threw up before setting a trash can right next to the bed. This wasn’t his first time rescuing Ben Solo from himself, and Poe was certain it wouldn’t be his last.

…

 

Muted sunlight streamed through the window, and Ben slowly came awake. His mouth felt like someone had shoved a whole bag of cotton balls in it, and his eyes simply didn’t want to focus as he rolled onto his back with a low groan.

 

_ You are such a loser, Solo. You got a perfect score on your entrance exams for undergrad school, and a near perfect score on your med school entrance tests – and every chance you get, you want to kill off all those brain cells with whiskey. _

 

“Shut up,” Ben mumbled to himself as he sat up rather gingerly, wincing at the pounding in his temples. The change in position made his stomach heave violently, and Ben emptied its contents into the trash can next to his bed, wiping his mouth afterwards and deciding to test the waters by standing slowly.

 

So far, so good. The room didn’t spin, and with this renewed sense of balance, Ben made his way slowly to his bathroom, where he took the time to scratch his ass while he relieved himself in the toilet. After flushing and washing his hands, he headed out to his living room, one brow rising as he surveyed the damage.

 

_ Oh well. I hated that coffee table anyways. _

 

Plopping onto the couch, Ben sighed and grabbed the remote, trying to find something to watch until he found the energy to open another bottle of whiskey. The girl’s face flashed in his mind briefly, and Ben found himself once again wondering how she was doing. Did she survive?

 

Running a hand through his mussed, somewhat greasy hair, Ben looked around for his cellphone, knowing there was one way to find out. Unfortunately, it involved contacting Armitage Hux, which was not his favorite thing in the world to do.

 

Finding his phone nestled deep in the cushion of his couch, Ben sighed audibly as he pulled up Hux’s contact information.

 

_ -Hello, Dr. Hux. _ Ben typed out slowly, his hands shaking making it hard for him to type on his phones small screen.

 

_ -Solo. Somehow I knew I would be hearing from you. _ Armitage Hux’s reply came sooner than Ben expected, and damn it if he couldn’t hear the ginger’s clipped accent in his head as he read his reply.

 

_ -Hux, I need a favor. Please. _ Ben sighed as he typed his response. He and Armitage Hux had a  _ difficult _ relationship since day one, but he was the only person who would understand why Ben needed his help.

 

_ -I saw her. I figured you would contact me when I saw your name on the report. I’m shocked it’s so soon though. Isn’t it your day off? You should be deep in your cups, destroying your furniture or whatever it is you drunks do for fun. _ Ben let out a low groan of frustration, wanting to throw his phone across the room and drink the rest of his whiskey, so he didn’t have to think about the girl. Rey.

 

_ -Hux, you know why I need to see her. She looks just like her. I… I need to see her. Please. I know you can help. I wouldn’t ask otherwise.  _ Ben’s hands were shaking even more now as the alcohol content in his blood lowered further.

 

_ -I could lose my medical license for this, but fine, Solo. Only because… you know. Do you still have the book, or do I need to leave my copy in her room? _ Ben breathed a sigh of relief at Hux’s response. He was going to help, and Ben would owe him big time for this.

 

_ -I have it. Thanks, Armie. _ Ben looked around the room for a moment, wondering if he could make it the rest of the day without a drink, his phone beeping a moment later with another message.

 

_ -You are welcome, Solo. If you are not completely sober, or if you cause a scene, I will have you forcibly removed and banned – do you understand? Room 223. Her brother and his girlfriend leave around 16:30 every day, so he can go to work. Nurse Kenobi will assist you if needed. Solo – you know what her Glasgow was when you brought her in. That hasn’t changed. _ Ben chewed on his lip for a moment after reading the text. Rey was obviously still comatose – Ben knew how ill she was – but her face haunted him while he slept, while he was awake… all the time.

 

_ -I know. I’ll be sober. Thanks, Hux. Will you… let me know if her condition changes? _

 

_ -I will, Solo… You know I loved her too. That’s the only reason I am agreeing to this. _

 

_ -I know. Thanks. _

 

Ben threw his phone down, running a hand through his hair. His eyes were pulled to the bookcase across the room. He knew exactly what the book looked like, how the pages felt in his fingers as he thumbed through it. He could almost recite the story within from memory.

 

Standing and finding that the room stayed still for him, he crossed the room to the bookcase, pulling the treasured book from its place on the shelf. Taking a deep breath, he opened the tome, avoiding looking at the inside of the front cover. He knew the writing there intimately, and the name there was engraved on his soul – yet he couldn’t bear to look at it. There were some wounds that even his skills as a paramedic could never heal. Skimming through the pages, he nodded his head softly, knowing his plan was one he had to follow through on.

 

He would read it to Rey, of course. It was the only thing he could do, and he hoped that someday soon, she would open her eyes and respond to him.

 

…

 

Ben took a sip from the flask in his pocket as he put his car into park in the lot at the hospital, looking around to see if anyone had taken notice. Seeing no one about, he guzzled even more from it before tucking it into the backpack on the passenger seat of his car. He had tried his best to get through the rest of the day without drinking, but when his hands started shaking so badly he couldn’t hold the remote to the television anymore, he knew he had to have a drink.

 

One drink had turned into four, of course, and now he was here, and Rey was just inside and two floors above him, and he found himself desperate to see her.

 

“Jesus, Ben, what kind of fucking idiot are you? You don’t even know this girl… she was just a damn run… you were doing your damn job, and now you’re all  _ obsessed _ . She’s not Sarah, you asshole. She’s just a girl.” Ben shook his head, closing his eyes and beating his palms against the wheel of his car. What the hell was he doing anyways, besides driving drunk and just asking to get pulled over again?

 

Her face, though. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw her face, bloodied and bruised, and he knew he had to do this. He had to help her wake up. Rey Sands had to live. Ben was going to help her.

 

…

 

Ben somehow managed to get to the second floor and to the nurses station in the Neuro ICU without incident. One of the nurses looked up at him, a smile on her face, and Ben tried desperately to remember the name of the nurse Hux had told him to ask for. Kanady? No – Kenobi. Nurse Kenobi.

 

Licking his lips, Ben asked, “I need to speak to Nurse Kenobi. My name is Ben Solo – Dr. Hux told me to ask for her.”

 

The young woman’s smile widened, her voice far too cheerful as she answered, “I’m Kayla Kenobi. Yes, Dr. Hux told me you’d be coming to see 223.” Kayla lowered her voice, leaning forward and whispering, “Her family is gone. Go right in, and let me know if you need anything, okay?”

 

Ben nodded, his heart thumping away in his chest as he turned, his eyes seeking out the plastic plates outside the doors for the one that said 223. Looking around with one last glance after he spotted the one he was looking for, Ben stepped inside the small room, his eyes finally resting on Rey’s still form. She had tubes and wires all over, monitoring her for any tiny anomaly that could mean a change in her condition. He had expected her skin to be pale from blood loss, but instead she had a sun-kissed complexion, even in the dim fluorescent lighting of the hospital room.

 

Setting his backpack on one of the chairs beside the bed, Ben stood beside her, finally reaching out with a shaking hand to push back a piece of hair from her forehead. “Hi, Rey,” Ben said, his voice quiet and shaky as he finally spoke to the woman who had been haunting his dreams since her accident three days ago.

 

“Um, my name is Ben. I know this is probably really weird,” Ben let out a laugh, shaking his head before continuing, “But I am the Paramedic who brought you to the hospital after your accident, and I haven’t been able to _ not _ think about you since then. I’m really not a creeper, I promise… but if you’d just wake up, you’d see that… so can you try, please? Maybe, just, I don’t know, fight a little harder, Rey? I… I just… you have to live, okay? Maybe sometime I’ll tell you why.”

 

Ben reached down, touching Rey’s hand gently, his thumb smoothing over the skin of her wrist before he settled himself into one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs beside the bed. Reaching into the backpack, Ben withdrew his flask, glancing outside to make sure no one was watching before he uncapped it, taking a long swallow before capping it once more and placing it back in his bag.

 

Next, he plucked a book from the bag, cracking it open to a page he had marked earlier. Looking over at Rey, Ben smirked, his voice low as he said, “I hope you like Shakespeare. A Midsummer Night’s Dream was one of our – I mean – is one of my favorites.”

 

“Act I, Scene i: Athens. The palace of Theseus. Enter Theseus, Hippolyta, Philostrate, with Others. Now, fair Hippolyta, our nuptial hour draws on apace. Four happy days bring in another moon; but, methinks, how slow this old moon wanes! She lingers my desires, like to a stepdame, or a dowager, long withering out a young man’s revenue…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks once again to my beautiful beta, Azuwrite - both for the editting and the moodboard! You are truly amazing!
> 
> Thank you to everyone reading this - you are making this story such a joy to tell!
> 
> Please leave me comment and kudos love!


	3. The course of true love never did run smooth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is still a drunk. Although he is a sweet drunk.
> 
> A birthday party for Momma Solo.... and a cliffhanger ending, anyone?

[](https://imgur.com/2ltULEE)

Ben had fallen into a comfortable routine over the last three weeks. On days he and Poe worked, he would stop into the hospital on their lunch break, even if it only meant reading to Rey for five or ten minutes. He knew he was there, and that was what was important to him.

 

Poe, of course, thought Ben was insane – but his best friend had noticed one important fact. With Ben’s new…  _ hobby _ … his fifth of whiskey a day habit had decreased to a half of fifth a day. Ben simply didn’t want to take the chance of losing out on the opportunity to read to Rey. It was important to him – for reasons that only he and Armitage Hux seemed to know.

 

While Ben was reading to Rey on their break, that gave Poe a chance to flirt with the nurses – and lately Kayla Kenobi had been his target. Yes, Ben could have his little project – but so could Poe. At least his was awake and talking to him.

 

Poe had to admit though, Rey – even in her comatose state – was  _ good _ for Ben. It gave him a purpose besides drinking himself to oblivion every chance he got. Even his parents seemed to notice the change in their middle son. Poe could only hope that when she woke up, she would somehow find the fact that a complete stranger had been reading Shakespeare to her every chance he got was endearing instead of creepy.

…

 

Ben’s voice was a soft whisper as he read to Rey in the dimly lit room on his lunch break of a rather draining day. His hands were shaking, and he knew he was going to need a drink from his flask before they left the hospital.

 

He was a pathetic drunk, he knew that in his soul. He could only hope that if – _ when _ – he mentally corrected himself, Rey woke up, she would give him a reason to live again, a reason more than drinking the next fifth.

 

“Theseus: Take time to pause; and, by the next new moon--The sealing-day betwixt my love and me, For everlasting bond of fellowship--Upon that day either prepare to die. For disobedience to your father's will, Or else to wed Demetrius, as he would; Or on Diana's altar to protest, For aye austerity and single life.”

 

A tap on the window brought Ben’s attention to where Poe stood, his best friend pointing to the elevators to let him know they needed to get back to work. Nodding, Ben tucked the book back into his backpack, glancing to the door once more before withdrawing his flask, the whiskey warm and familiar as it made its way past his lips and down his throat.

 

Reaching out, Ben touched Rey’s hand, his eyes glancing at her face again. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Rey. Usual time. Sweet dreams.”

 

This was his least favorite part of the day – leaving Rey so still and silent.

 

_ Keep fighting, sweetheart. You need to wake up. _

 

Ben let his silent plea drift between him and Rey, hoping somehow she would hear it as he walked out of the room.

 

“Let’s go save some lives, Dameron,” Ben smiled at Kayla, winking at her as she mouthed ‘Usual time tomorrow?’ to him. Giving her a nod in answer, Ben followed Poe to the elevators so they could head back to work.

…

 

Ben was bone-tired and ready to fall into bed when he remembered: today was his mother’s birthday party, and if he forgot to show up, his sister would flay his skin from his body and then throw salt on him. That meant he wouldn’t be able to go see Rey until later than usual.

 

“Damn it,” he grumbled, pulling his phone off his nightstand as he sent a text to Kayla. She was his point of contact at the hospital, letting him know of Rey’s condition daily, and also letting him know when the coast was clear of her family so he could come see her. Somehow, Ben knew that if Rey’s brother and his girlfriend found out about a strange man reading to his sister, well, it wouldn’t be good.

 

_ -Kayla. Have a birthday party to go to tonight. Won’t be there to see Rey until late.  _ Ben hit the button to send the text, his hand shaking slightly. Grabbing the glass of whiskey from its ever-present spot on his nightstand, Ben took a long swallow, his phone beeping with a text message as he drank.

 

_ -OK, Ben. Try to have fun – if that’s possible for you… you do know how to have fun, don’t you? _ Ben rolled his eyes as he typed a response back to the nurse.

 

_ -Very funny. See you later. I’ll let you know when I am on my way. _

 

...

 

Ben sat up five hours later in a cold sweat, his heart racing as he glanced at the clock. Taking in a deep breath as he realized that he still had an hour before his mother’s birthday party, he reached out, grabbing the bottle of his bedside table and taking a long swallow before getting up and heading to the shower to get ready to deal with his family.

 

The beach was quiet as Ben walked along it a half hour later, his eyes on the sand and rocks as he searched for the perfect piece to add to his mother’s collection. He had the same ritual since he was 5 for his mother’s birthday. Ben would walk the beach, searching for the perfect little treasure to deposit into Leia’s hands, knowing that her eyes would light up with love for her son as she thought about the effort and time he put into searching for something he thought she would like. Leia kept her collection of his gifts on the window sill of her office – a mismatched collection of shiny rocks, shells and bottles of sand and driftwood that represented her middle son.

 

And so it had been for the last twenty-three years. Ben’s eyes stopped on a sand dollar, and he bent his tall frame over, plucking the delicate shell from the sand carefully. He had never found one whole before, and Ben knew this was the perfect gift to put in Leia’s hand. With a not often seen smile, Ben turned and headed to his car.

 

...

 

“Ben!!!” His sister Jaina wrapped her arms around him, a smile on her face as she saw him standing in the doorway. “You’re sober, right? Please tell me you’re sober…”

 

With a smirk, Ben gave her the ‘so-so’ flip of his hand before pulling away and squeezing past her through the door, his brothers Anakin and Jacen coming over to greet him with shoulder bumps and insults. This was a typical family gathering in the Solo house, and Ben didn’t expect anything less.

 

Moving across the room to where Han sat in a chair, a wistful half smile on his face as he watched his kids interacting, Ben gave his Dad a side hug before going to the decanter that always rested on the small bar, pouring a glass of whiskey for both himself and his Dad. Returning to Han’s side, Ben handed one of the glasses to his father before tipping his glass towards him and winking, downing the contents in one swallow.

 

“Is Mom in her office?” Ben inquired softly, Han’s answering nod all Ben needed before he turned and headed into Leia’s office. She was sitting where she always sat, in her oversized office chair, typing away on her keyboard. Looking up, a smile lit up Leia’s face as she saw her son enter the room.

 

“Ben, son! How are you?”

 

Standing, Leia crossed the room to Ben, her arms going around him for a long hug before she stepped back, one palm resting on his face briefly as she looked at him.

 

With a smile only Leia ever saw, Ben withdrew the sand dollar from the pocket of his jacket, where he had tucked it carefully after wrapping it in a bit of colorful tissue paper he had bought just for this occasion. Handing it to his mother, Ben leaned down and kissed his mother’s cheek softly. “Happy Birthday, Momma.”

 

Leia unwrapped the treasure, her eyes lighting up as she saw the sand dollar. “Oh, Ben, it’s perfect, son! You’ve never gotten me one of these before!” She turned and went to the window behind her desk, placing her newest treasure amongst the others before turning and looking at Ben again.

 

“You look tired, Ben,” she said softly. “Still not sleeping well?”

 

Ben had never been able to lie to Leia, so his eyes went to the floor as he shook his head, his hair shifting to cover his eyes with the movement. “No. I… you know why. I still have the dreams.”

 

“Oh Ben,” Leia said softly as she moved to stand before her son, her hand once more reaching out to cup his cheek gently. “It’s been two years now, don’t you think you should talk to someone? I know you’ll never forget, but talking about it will help. Ben… you are so brilliant, and being a doctor is your calling. Talk to someone, get help, and go back to med school.”

 

“Mom,” Ben’s voice was a soft groan as he finally brought his eyes up to meet hers. He knew he was a failure to his family. He was supposed to be Dr. Ben Solo, Cardiologist extraordinaire by now – and instead he was a pathetic drunk Paramedic who was barely holding his shit together.

All he saw in Leia’s eyes was love though. She worried about him, his whole family did. They loved him, and all he did was let them down.

 

Maybe, though, Rey could be the one person who he wouldn’t let down. She had to live, because if she died… Ben didn’t want to even consider the possibility of that happening. Just the mere brief thought had his heart clenching with terror in his chest, and a lump in his throat threatening to cut off his air supply.

 

Leia was always observant when it came to her children, and her eyes narrowed slightly as she watched her middle son internally warring with himself. “Ben?” she said softly, her eyes showing the concern she felt.

 

Shaking his head, his eyes going back to the floor, Ben leaned in and kissed Leia’s cheek softly. “Happy Birthday, Momma. I love you.”

 

“Oh Ben, I love you too,” Leia said softly as she watched him retreat from her office, the voices of her other son’s ringing out across the living room as they jokingly insulted their brother.

 

…

 

Ben arrived at the hospital, his hands shaking violently as he put his car in park. He always tried to refrain from drinking when he was with his family. They knew he was an alcoholic, of course, yet he still wanted to shield them from it, somehow. He was already a disappointment to them, he didn’t need to compound that even more by showing them how truly pathetic he had become. Taking his flask from his backpack, he drank from it deeply, feeling a sense of contentment as the alcohol seeped into his veins, soothing all the pain he felt inside. He knew it was all in his head – all the alcohol did was numb his senses and depress all his body systems – but damn if he didn’t need the numbness so he didn’t wallow in self pity and loathing.

 

If –  _ when _ – Rey woke up, would she see him as a pathetic drunk like everyone else did, or would she come to know him simply as Ben? He wasn’t sure, but he wasn’t willing to take the chance of her not knowing him in some capacity. She was helping him heal with every visit he made to her – and she’d probably never realize that.

 

Taking another swallow from his flask, Ben tucked it away into its pocket in his backpack before exiting the car and slinging the backpack over his shoulder. The hospital was its usual chaos, but it was a chaos that was soothing to Ben, because he understood that in the chaos, lives were being saved. It was organized chaos. It made sense.

 

_ Code Blue. Room 223. Code Blue. Room 223. _

 

The mechanical voice of the loudspeaker calling for a code barely registered to Ben as he entered the elevator to go to the second floor, until the room number was said.

 

_ Room 223. That’s Rey’s room, NO! _

 

Ben’s breath came in spurts now as he willed the elevator to move faster, and as it finally opened to admit him to the second floor, Ben’s eyes were wide as he watched in horror as a team of doctors and nurses descended on Rey’s room, a crash cart already pulled into the room.

 

Turning, Ben grabbed onto the railing of the hallway, closing his eyes and trying to keep his panic at bay. If Rey died, he would drink himself into oblivion and never come out of his home. He would essentially die with her, just like when… _ No, no, no… I can’t think about  _ **_her_ ** _. _

 

Sliding to the floor, Ben felt his control slipping, and he grabbed the flask out of his bag without caring if anyone saw him. Taking a swallow without opening his eyes, he tried to focus his energy into Rey’s room, somehow.

 

_ Fight, Rey. FIGHT. Damnit, I can’t lose you. Please… I… I love you. Please don’t die. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once more, all thanks go to my fabulous Beta, Azuwrite. She is amazing, and makes the best moodboards EVER!
> 
> I am so stoked that you all are enjoying the tales of Ben Solo, town drunk. :)


	4. Lord, what fools these mortals be!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux is... nice?
> 
> A BAR FIGHT!
> 
> ...Ben finds amusement in ambulance rides.
> 
> AKA: The next stop on the Ben Solo Pain Train.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BAC = Blood Alcohol Content. The measure of alcohol in one's bloodstream.

[](https://imgur.com/94qDC28)

_ Don’t die, don’t die, don’t die… _

Ben sat on the cold floor of the hospital, rocking back and forth, his eyes clenched tightly together. He refused to open them, because if he did, he would see what they were doing in Rey’s room. He knew the routine like the back of his hand, of course – he and Poe had done it a million times in their work.

_ Check for a pulse. Check for breathing. Initiate CPR. Push hard, push fast. 100 beats per minute. Check for a pulse. Check for breathing. Administer rescue breaths. Administer adenosine. Live… please, if there is a God out there, let her live… Please! _

Ben felt hands on his arm, pulling him to his feet, and he opened his eyes to see Poe, his best friend saying something. All Ben could hear were the beeps of numerous machines, and as Poe pulled him down the hall towards the family lounge area, Ben opened his mouth, a low wail of anguish the only sound that came out.

As soon as Poe had him in the lounge he pushed him down on one of the sofas, his voice low as he said, “Get it fucking together, Solo. You know damn well what Hux told you. If you fuck this up he will kick your ass out of this hospital. You don’t want that, do you? Because when Rey pulls through this – which she  _ will _ – she is gonna need you to read that stupid Shakespeare shit to her –  _ do you understand, Solo? _ Get. Your. Shit. Together.”

Ben looked up, pulling in gasps of air as he looked at Poe. Tears were falling from his eyes unabashedly as he finally nodded, a hand coming up to swipe at his eyes. “I need a drink – where’s my bag?”

Poe set his backpack down beside him on the sofa, his eyes softening a bit as he looked at Ben. “What are you gonna do when she wakes up, Ben? You don’t want her to see some hopeless drunk, do you? You’re better than that, man. We both know it. She’s changed you.”

Reaching into his bag for the flask he had somehow managed to put back in its pocket in the hallway, Ben twisted off the top with shaking fingers before he downed the last of its contents, sighing as the warmth enveloped him inside. “Yes, she has,” Ben said finally, agreeing with Poe’s last statement.

….

Dr. Armitage Hux was, thankfully, good at what he did. Looking at the monitors in the cramped ICU room, he was relieved to see his patient’s blood pressure was once more stable and steady, and as he nodded his thanks to the nurses before he turned, he strode from the room with an air of haughty confidence. Going to the computer reserved for the physician’s, Hux typed out his follow-up orders for the girl, looking up as Kayla Kenobi approached. By the look on her face, Hux already knew what she was going to say. “Solo is here, Nurse Kenobi. Is that what you were about to tell me?”

Kayla nodded, “He… he freaked out a little, but Poe has him in the east lounge. I… could you…”

Hux sighed before looking over his shoulder at the pretty nurse. “Yes, Kayla, I’ll go talk to him. Thank you.”

….

Entering the east lounge a moment later, Hux stopped in the doorway, piercing green eyes catching those of Poe Dameron first, before going to the man slumped in a chair beside him, his large hands covering his face as he tried to hide the fact he was sobbing uncontrollably. Tilting his head to the door to indicate Poe should leave them for a few moments, Hux waited until the paramedic had left before he pulled a chair over, positioning it so he was sitting directly in front of Ben.

“Solo,” he said, softly at first. He doubted Ben would hear him, so he sat for another moment before shaking his head and reaching out, slapping one of Ben’s hands away from his face.

“Solo, you blathering idiot! Get yourself together!”

Ben had been so lost in his misery, he hadn’t even noticed Hux entering the room. Red rimmed eyes looked up as his hand was slapped away from his face, and he ran a hand over them, trying to clear the tears away enough to see Hux.

“Is... Is she… gone?” Ben asked softly, cold fear creeping into his veins icily.

Letting out a sigh, Hux replied after a moment, “No. She’s alive and stabilized. Her EKG came back normal. We’re not sure what caused the cardiac arrest. Solo… what exactly do you expect to accomplish with this fool’s project of yours? We both know she looks like Sarah… what happens when she wakes up? If she wakes up? Do you expect her to just love you? Ride off into the sunset with you? What?”

Ben looked at Armitage for a moment, his gaze dropping to the floor after that. His shoulders shrugged lightly as he finally answered, “I don’t know. I just know I need to do this, Armie. It helps. With dealing with… things. I don’t drink as much because I have seeing her every day to look forward to.”

Hux leaned forward finally, setting a hand on Ben’s shoulder and squeezing lightly. “I understand, to some extent, Ben. You know, I can’t say that I wouldn’t do the same if our situations were reversed. I loved her too. I can’t imagine your pain. Just, think about something for me, if you could – preferably when you are sober. Would she want this for you, or would she rather you be doing what you are supposed to be doing? Get yourself sober, Solo – not for some comatose woman who doesn’t even know you – but for her. For Sarah. For yourself. Then go back to med school. It’s what she would have wanted. Meanwhile, I’ll work on keeping your little project alive.” Standing, Hux turned and left the room, leaving Ben alone with his sorrow and regret.

….

“Ben,” Poe stepped back into the room after a few minutes, two cups of coffee in hand for them. “Her, um, her family is here. We should go.” Poe watched his best friend, struggling internally with all the emotions inside. He knew that Ben had dropped out of med school in his second year after something happened – even his family was mum on that particular subject. But they had all told him one thing – Ben would have been a brilliant doctor. Poe knew the brilliance residing in Ben’s brain – the man was smarter than anyone Poe had ever met.

So why was he pissing it all away with alcohol, working as a Paramedic? Not that Ben was a bad Paramedic – Poe wouldn’t want to have anyone else as a partner. But why – when he could be so much more?

“C’mon, Solo. We’ll go to the bar. Get piss drunk. Kayla has to work a double, so I guess I won’t be getting any tonight. Why not spend it getting drunk with my best friend? Besides… she’s alive, Ben, and she’s gonna stay that way. She’s gotta be one hell of a woman to fight as hard as she is, just so she can wake up and finally see your ugly mug, right?” Poe punched Ben’s shoulder lightly, and as his best friend looked up at him, a ghost of a smile came to Ben’s lips.

“Yeah, guess so. Let’s go get drunk,” Ben said lightly. He needed to forget everything for a night.

….

The brunette slid into Ben’s lap, her lips pouting as she looked at him. “You look sad, Benny,” she cooed softly, one of her hands drifting to his hair to push back the shock of black waves. “Maybe I could help,” she purred softly, leaning in to breathe her next word against his earlobe. “I’ve wanted to take you home for a long time now. Come home with me?”

Ben looked at her, bringing the glass of whiskey to his lips and draining it in one swallow. “Go away,” he said in a low growl, pushing her off his lap easily. At one time – before Rey – he would have taken her up on her offer, spending the rest of the night in her bed. But saving Rey’s life had changed so much for him. Ben knew it sounded crazy to everyone who knew – hell, it sounded crazy to him as well. All he knew was that he needed to see Rey, needed to touch her hand and read to her. It was cathartic for him, her presence somehow filled a void in him that nothing else could – not even alcohol.

Looking over at Poe, who was hustling a game of pool from an equally drunk person, Ben shook his head slightly, downing the shot of tequila that someone had set in front of him. When someone tapped him on the shoulder rather roughly, it took his inebriated mind a few seconds to register, and Ben turned slowly, eyes blearily taking in the sight of an angry forty-something man who looked as if he had eaten one too many burritos in his life. “What the fuck do you want?” Ben said, his words slurring as he looked the man over.

“That’s my girl,” the man said, his sneering lips sending a drop of spittle spraying on Ben’s arm. 

 

With a snort, Ben wiped his arm off on his jeans before looking up at the man, one brow rising as he responded, “Well, she’s a whore then. I fucked her through the mattress about a month ago. You may wanna rethink your relationship status, man. Want me to buy you a beer to celebrate your newfound freedom?”

Ben started to turn to order a round of drinks when the punch came, sending him flying off his barstool, his shoulder and arm erupting in pain as they hit the hard concrete floor first. “Son of a bitch!” he replied before starting to laugh hysterically, using the nearest person’s leg to pull himself up to a sitting position. He could taste the blood in his mouth, so he spit what he could to the floor before taking someone’s offered hand, standing to his full height and looking at the man again. “She’s not worth it, man. Really. She’s not even a good lay.”

Shuffling back a step as Ben saw the man start forward, he raised his hands, trying to remember all the self-defense moves he had learned when his Mom had insisted he and his brothers try out karate when they were in grade school. Jace and Anakin would have already kicked the man’s ass, but Ben – well, he’d always been a lover, not a fighter.

The thought running through his brain was somehow funny to him, and so Ben started to laugh harder, doubling over at the thought. Here he was, about to get punched again, and he was pondering how he was a lover.

The next punch caught him on the jaw, driving his teeth together painfully and making him see stars. Still, Ben laughed, even as he fell backwards against the bar, the back of his head knocking hard against the wood. The man didn’t give him a chance to stand back up, but instead moved forward, his fists pummeling him over and over again, until there was nothing.

….

Ben came to in the back of an ambulance, still laughing like someone had told some hilarious joke that only he got. Poe’s face swam over him, and Ben snorted as he tried to find some semblance of control so he could speak.

“Jesus, Solo, do you know what your BAC is?” Poe asked his best friend, his eyes full of both concern and amusement at the night’s events.

“Too damn much,” Ben finally said between snorts, his laughs now turning into giggles.

“Jesus, Ben, what did you say to that guy to piss him off?” Poe raised a brow at Ben, shaking his head softly.

“Told him his girlfriend was a whore and that I fucked her stupid last month,” Ben replied, his giggles causing him to wince as the pain from his injuries demanded penance.

“Wait, what?” Poe tried to wrack his brain for that particular memory, coming up empty. He would have known if Ben had brought a bar rat home.

Ben started giggling harder now, the paramedic in charge of cleaning him up now shaking his head at his patient. “I’d never met her before tonight. She wanted to take me home, but I told her to go away…” Ben’s breath was coming in short spurts now, around the drunken giggles, he couldn’t stop if he’d wanted to.

….

A hairline fracture to the bone in his jaw, thirteen staples to his head, five stitches below his eyes, and a police escort home later, Ben sat in his living room, his hands shaking as both the pain medication and the alcohol wore off. Reaching to his end table, Ben started his usual routine – pouring himself another glass of whiskey.

Tomorrow was a new day, of course – and maybe Rey would wake up and he wouldn’t be a drunk anymore.

Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks once more to my amazing Beta & Moodboard Artist: [Azuwrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azuwrite)
> 
> Comments and Kudos always appreciated!


	5. Reason and Love Keep Little Company Together Nowadays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This week on _Intervention_....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much love and snuggles to my amazing Beta and moodboard artist, [Azuwrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azuwrite) \- it would suck without you!

[](https://imgur.com/RaKvBj2)

**_5 Years Earlier_ **

**_Chandrila University_ **

 

_“Solo, you fucking bloody prat, you’re telling me you got a 528 on the MCAT? That’s bloody impossible, especially from the likes of someone like you-“ Armitage Hux looked at his best friend incredulously, disbelief showing in his clear blue eyes. They walked between the Science Center and the Theater Building on their way to their next lecture, and Ben couldn’t help the extra bit of swagger that was in his stride today. He had gotten the highest score possible on the entrance exams for med school, a feat that few could ever manage, and seeing the look on Hux’s face when Ben showed him the score on his phone had been priceless. His best friend was incensed – and had only gotten a 518 on the exam._

_“Indeed, Hux, indeed I did get THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE SCORE on the MCAT,” Ben smirked as he teased the ginger, barely registering the warm body that was bolting through the throng of students trying to get to their next class._

_Until that body crashed into him and fell backwards, sending a hot torrent of coffee from Ben’s cup onto his shirt, where it spread into a dark brown stain as he stopped, only waiting a moment before reaching down with one hand to offer help to the person who was now sitting on their ass on the sidewalk, their backpack on the ground beside them._

_“I am so sorry, oh my gosh, I was... well, I just got the email on my phone about my MCAT results, and I wasn’t paying attention…” A pair of green eyes peered up at him, set in the face of the most beautiful woman Ben had ever laid eyes on. Reaching up, she took Ben’s proffered hand, her hand tiny and cool in his as he helped her to her feet._

_“How’d you do?” Ben asked curiously. He didn’t recognize her, and most premed students were all acquainted with each other since they had the same classes._

 

_The woman looked at him in surprise as she stood, and as she reached down and retrieved her backpack Ben couldn’t help but notice the flush that crept onto her face. “Oh, um, I got a 520.”_

_Ben looked over at Hux, the corners of his lips lifting into a smirk as he looked at his best friend, raising his eyebrows as if to say ‘This girl beat you, Hux, you bloody wanker.’ Looking back at the woman, who had now straightened herself out and had her backpack looped over one shoulder, Ben smiled before shaking her hand and then dropping it – although reluctantly on his part. “I don’t recognize you. You don’t go to Chandrila, do you? I’m premed as well, so is my ginger friend, Hux.” Ben pointed a thumb at Hux, who gave the woman a tight smile, his cheeks turning pink as he did so._

_The woman looked between the two men before smiling at them both. “I just transferred in. I was already planning on applying to med school here, so it’s a good thing. I’m Sarah, by the way. Sarah Lake.”_

_“I’m Ben. Ben Solo. And the pale, red man behind me is one Armitage Hux. He’s currently flustered because both you and I got higher scores on the MCAT than he did. You understand why he may seem… grumpy…” Ben grinned at Sarah, knowing that Hux was glowering at him currently, and once they got back to the apartment tonight, Armie would completely give him one of his lectures about how he was lacking tact and how improper he acted in public._

….

 

Ben woke with a start, sitting straight up in bed as the alarm on his cell played _Welcome To The Jungle_ at top volume. “Fuck,” he grumbled, as he flopped back onto his pillow, one arm stretched over his head as he thought about how very much he wanted to go back to the dream he had been having. Glancing at the date, Ben groaned, wanting to drink himself into a stupor until the clock hit midnight and it was a new day – any day but _this_ day.

 

_No wonder I was dreaming about her,_ Ben thought to himself before sitting up, his hand reaching for his whiskey bottle. After downing three glasses, he felt well enough to get up, knowing that if he was late for his shift again Holdo would chew his ass for an hour solid. She was already pissed about having her best Paramedic working with a face that looked like Mike Tyson had taken his rage out on him.

 

Ben scratched absentmindedly at his stitches for a moment as he gazed in the mirror above his bathroom sink. He could do this, he had done it last year, and he could do it again this year. It was just a day, after all, just a twenty-four hour period in his life. But Ben knew, intimately, how slow today would move for him, how every day that had once meant something to he and Sarah now moved so slowly it was like a day lasted a year, and how he wished with everything in him that he didn’t have to spend it alone. At least he had one tiny glimmer of good to look forward to – reading to Rey on his lunch break.

 

It only took him a few minutes to throw on his uniform and head out the door – after downing two more glasses of whiskey. When he sauntered into work fifteen minutes early, he felt good, like he could make it through the day – no matter how long it seemed.

 

“Solo – Holdo wants to see you and Dameron before your shift,” Kaydal Konnix, one of the other Paramedics, accosted Ben as soon as he walked into the building. “She doesn’t look happy, man. What the hell did you do?” Ben just shrugged at her, trying to think of just what he or Poe had done that would have set their boss off. Nothing came to mind, so he headed to her office, finding his partner already waiting to go in. Poe just shrugged at him, clearly not able to figure out what they might be in trouble for either.

 

“Not only do you look like you went twelve rounds with Mike Tyson, but I got a complaint from a patient’s wife,” Amilyn Holdo said, shoving a sheet of paper across the desk so that both men could see. “She said you told her to ‘Get the hell out of the way’, and that your ‘eyes looked like he had been drinking’. Come on, Ben, I know you’re a good Paramedic, in fact, you’re my _best_ Paramedic – no offense, Poe.” Holdo looked over at Poe and gave him a tight smile before continuing on, “I also know that you like to drink, Ben. I just need you to tell me what happened with this patient, and also that you were not drinking on shift.”

 

Ben shrugged as he glanced down at the paper, which was filled with Holdo’s flowing script. “He was having issues with his heart, his EKG showed he was going into A-Fib. His wife was getting in the way as we were trying to treat him, and I got a bit snippy when she tried to pull a lead off. I’m sorry that she was offended – but her husband is alive and well, instead of dead. And no, Amilyn, I don’t drink when I am working. You know that.”

 

“Look, Ami,” Poe ran a hand through his hair, looking at Ben before turning his gaze back to their boss. “You know damn well I wouldn’t work with Ben if he was drinking on my rig. And I remember this patient. Ben was right in telling her to move. It was hour twenty of our shift, we were tired. Of course our eyes would be a bit glazed over and red. This complaint is bullshit.”

 

Holdo looked between both men for a long moment, finally nodding and pulling the sheet of paper back in front of her. “Alright, then. I believe you. I’ll let Mrs. Netal know that I’ve taken care of this. Have a good shift, gentleman.”

 

Ben and Poe both stood at the same time, and Poe gave Ben a look that clearly meant Ben owed him one for covering for him again. Using two fingers to give his boss a jaunty salute as they left the room, Ben waited until they were inside their rig before looking at Poe. “Thanks, man.”

 

“Solo, seriously, when are you gonna get your shit together? Look, man, I’m your best friend here, and I care about you. You’re the fucking smartest person I have ever met, but you’re throwing it out the fucking window, man. You need to stop drinking. Go back to med school, Ben, seriously. Get your shit together. I can’t keep covering for you like this.” Poe looked over at Ben as he pulled their rig out onto the streets of Hanna City. He would always have Ben’s back, but Poe also knew that Ben’s family was fed up – and their methods of handling his addiction wouldn’t be welcomed – or pleasant – for Ben. So, they had asked him to try and talk some sense into him. Sometimes, Poe thought Ben was listening, and then he would pull that damn flask out of his backpack, and Poe would know he still hadn’t gotten through to him.

 

Ben looked out the window of the rig as the familiar buildings of Hanna City zipped by, letting out a sigh as Poe decided to start lecturing him. Today, of all days, Ben just wanted to be left alone in his memories and misery.

 

….

 

**_5 Years Earlier_ **

****

_“You look nice,” Sarah said as she opened the door to her apartment. She looked beautiful, of course, with her sun-kissed skin, the simple green dress she had chosen to wear bringing out the color in her eyes. Ben still found it hard to believe she had said yes when he asked her out to dinner two days ago – but he was thankful she had agreed._

_He had wanted to make a good impression so badly, he had enlisted his sister’s help. Jaina had picked out the green sweater and casual slacks he was wearing, and as Ben looked at Sarah, he smiled, holding out the small bouquet of flowers he had bought for her._

_“Thanks, you look stunning,” Ben replied as he watched a blush color her cheeks as she took the flowers from him. He took a moment to look around her apartment as she excused herself to put the flowers in water, and as she returned to the room, he offered her another smile._

_“Are you ready to go?” Ben asked softly, offering her his arm._

_“I am,” Sarah said before taking his arm, her smile soft as she looked at him again._

….

 

“SOLO! Have you even heard a word I said?” Poe looked over at Ben, throwing a hand up in frustration. Clearly, Ben hadn’t been listening, because if he had, he would have told Poe to fuck off by now, or denied he even had a problem like he normally did.

 

Ben looked at Poe, running a hand through his hair as he realized he had allowed himself to get lost in the memory of he and Sarah’s first date. Heaving a sigh, Ben licked his lips before speaking. “I know my Mom told you about Sarah,” Ben said softly, looking at Poe with a sideways glance.

 

Poe eyed Ben briefly before nodding his head. “Yeah, she did, man,” Poe said softly. _Shit. This can’t be good._

Ben’s jaw worked for a long moment as he struggled to keep his composure, and when he finally looked at Poe, his friend could see the raw pain in his red-rimmed eyes. “Five years ago today was our first date. Yeah. It’s a hard day, so excuse me if I act like I’m far away, Poe. I’m trying my best to get through it.”

 

“Yeah,” Poe said softly, shelving the lecture he had been giving Ben for a later date. If he tried to talk to Ben about his drinking today, all he would do is piss his best friend off – and that would accomplish nothing. He knew Leia and Ben’s siblings had some kind of plan for today, and Poe doubted it was going to be a plan that Ben would like. Everyone was worried about him though – and he needed help. More help than reading Shakespeare to a comatose woman could ever give him.

 

Ben continued to stare out the window, heaving a sigh as his thoughts went back to 5 years prior. He had known he was going to marry Sarah their first date. In fact, he had spent most of their date imagining how she would look in her wedding dress, walking down the aisle towards him. From that day forward, Ben Solo had never loved anyone else. Until now, at least he thought he loved Rey. Somewhere in his alcohol muddled mind, Ben saw Rey waking up and looking at him, her eyes shining as she somehow recognized him from the time he spent reading to her.

 

She looked just like Sarah, and, he surmised, her lips would feel like Sarah’s when they kissed for the first time.

 

….

 

**5 Years Earlier**

_“I had a really good time tonight, Ben.”_

_They were standing outside the door to her apartment, a styrofoam box of food that was left over from her dinner in her hand, her eyes shining brightly at him in the dim light of the hallway. He wanted to kiss her so badly, and so he leaned in, pressing his lips to hers softly._

_Luckily, she didn’t pull away – instead, she kissed him back._

_Exercising every bit of self control that he had, Ben finally pulled away, smiling at her as he asked in his deep baritone voice, “Can we do this again? Soon?”_

_She graced him with another one of her bright smiles, nodding as she reached out to open her apartment door. “Yes, sooner rather than later, I hope. See you tomorrow in lab?”_

_Ben nodded, and as she closed the door, he knew she had him – hook, line and sinker._

….

 

“Ben?”

 

Poe stood in the doorway of Rey’s room, looking at his partner as Ben reached out to touch Rey’s hand softly. It was the same routine every day for Ben, and Poe wasn’t sure if it was helping his best friend, or doing more damage to his already delicate psyche. It certainly wasn’t healthy, but Poe didn’t honestly know what to do for Ben at this point in time.

 

At least he wasn’t drinking quite as much as he used to. At least he had something to look forward to every day. That had to mean something – didn’t it?

 

Still, Poe didn’t look forward to the day Rey woke up. What if she was someone completely different than the person Ben imagined her to be? What if she found his actions creepy?

 

What ifs were all Ben had right now, sadly enough, because Rey’s condition hadn’t changed.

 

“I’m coming,” Ben answered Poe as he squeezed Rey’s hand softly. “Bye, sunshine. Sweet dreams.”

 

….

 

The last thing Ben had wanted to see when he got to his house the next morning after his shift was his mother’s car parked in the driveway. All he truly wanted to do was drink until he fell asleep, until he had to get up for work again. Instead, he would have to deal with his Mom and her incessant worry about his ‘habit’, as she liked to call it.

 

Hefting a sigh as he pulled his car into the garage and hit the button to close the garage door, Ben exited his car, taking a long swallow from his ever-present flask before he walked inside to face the one woman firing squad.

 

He opened the door leading into his house to find, not only his mother, but also his father, his sister and his brothers waiting for him in his living room. Looking around, Ben shook his head before mumbling, “If this is your idea of a fucking intervention, leave your stupid letters on the table and get the fuck out. I don’t need this bullshit today.”

 

Leia stood, drawing herself up to her full height as she glared at her middle son. “Benning Lucas Solo, you will NOT use that language with me, and you WILL listen to us. Now, come in here and sit down.”

 

Ben sighed before muttering, “Yes, Momma,” and settling into his favorite chair. He caught Han’s eye, and his father turned up one corner of his mouth at him, shrugging slightly with one shoulder. Typical, Han Solo standing idly by as his wife dictated what would happen in her children’s lives.

 

“Thank you, Ben,” Leia said, sitting back down in a chair next to Han.

 

“Ben,” his sister Jaina said softly, her eyes sad as she looked at her brother, “Look, we know you’ve had a hard time coping since… you know.”

 

Ben looked at his sister, his voice cold and devoid of feeling as he said, “Since the love of my life died from cancer? Since my reason for living was ripped from my life? Why don’t you just say it, Jai? Do you think I don’t think about it every minute of every day? You are all fucking idiots. It’s _all_ I think about, except for…”

 

Ben let his words trail off before he said _…except for the time I spend with Rey._ No, that was his time, and it was so intimate and private that Ben couldn’t – wouldn’t – articulate it to his family.  “…Except for when I’m drunk or asleep.”

 

“BENNING, do NOT talk to your sister – or anyone else – in that manner!” Leia stood once more, her eyes narrowing at her son. Han, Jacen and Anakin sat quietly, knowing better than to move a muscle during this showdown, lest either woman turn their ire towards them.

 

“Sorry,” Ben murmured, looking at both his sister and his mother for a moment before letting his gaze go to the tan carpet of his living room. He needed a drink desperately, but somehow he doubted pulling out his flask right now would go over well.

 

“Ben, look at me. Please,” Leia said softly, and so Ben turned his eyes up to his mother’s. Pride and a mother’s love shone within their depths, making Ben feel like even more of a fuck up. She deserved better than having a son like him. “Ben, we know Sarah’s death was hard on you. We all loved her, and it was hard on us too.” Leia crossed the small room to stand before her middle son now, reaching out with an aging hand to touch his cheek softly. “You need help, my precious boy. You’re in pain, and no one in this room can help you. We’ve tried. So,” Leia bent down to kiss Ben’s cheek before withdrawing back to the chair she had been sitting in before continuing, “while you were at work, we took the liberty of coming in and confiscating all the liquor in your house. Yes, Ben, even the stuff you thought you hid in case something like this ever happened.”

 

Ben’s eyes flashed as the anger rose inside him. How _dare_ they do this to him? His jaw worked, his teeth worrying his bottom lip as he tried to keep the anger inside, because if he exploded right now, it would be like nuclear winter, and no one here would escape the aftermath. Instead, his fists clenched and unclenched over and over, his eyes narrow and filled with fury as his mother kept talking.

 

“I’ve made an appointment for you with Maz,” Leia continued, watching as her son struggled to keep himself together with the knowledge that he was going to have to face his feelings without the numbing effects of alcohol. “She is booked solid, but for me – for you – she made time this morning. We’re all staying here until then, and I will drive you over. Ben, if you do this, if you talk to Maz, we’ll give you your stuff back. Some of it, anyways, enough to keep you from going into withdrawal. Just, please, Benny, please? We all love you, none of us want this for you.”

 

Ben’s jaw worked for another moment, before he finally spoke, his voice low and full of pain. “I wish I had died along with her. I just want to be free from this pain. I…” Sinking back into his chair, Ben ran a hand through his hair before waving a hand in defeat. “Fine. One session with Maz. One, Mom, I mean it.”

 

Leia’s face lit up with a smile, and she once more stood, crossing the room to Ben and leaning down just enough to wrap her arms around him in a hug. “Thank you, my precious boy. Thank you.”

 

….

 

Dr. Maz Kanata had been a friend of his Mom and Dad’s since well before any of the Solo children had been born, and as Ben was ushered into her office by a bored-looking receptionist, the short, older woman eyed him from behind thick glasses, a smile drifting onto her face as she sat in a comfortable-looking chair behind a large wooden desk.

 

“Benning Solo! It’s so good to see you, my dear! Please, have a seat. Let’s have a chat!” Ben mumbled a greeting before sliding into the overstuffed chair that sat in front of the desk. While he had known Maz his whole life, he hated being in her office. The woman had a way of pulling truths out of him that he didn’t care to reveal, and he knew his mother had already talked to her old friend about his issues.

 

“Yesterday was a hard day for you. Memories… as sweet as they can be, it’s easy to get lost in them, child. Lost in the past. Perhaps the answers you seek, dear one, lie not in the past… but in the future. You feel lost, do you not?” Maz sat forward in her chair, eyeing Ben through her thick glasses.

 

Swallowing thickly, Ben nodded. It was no use lying to her, Maz could tell when someone was not being truthful. She called it a gift, Ben called it a good reason to keep his distance from her. “I… I should have died with her. Sarah,” Ben said, his voice barely more than a whisper in the stillness of the room. “Y-Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of our first date. Normally, we would go back to the same restaurant to celebrate.” Ben shrugged. “Obviously not now.”

 

“Dear child,” Maz said, standing and coming around the desk before laying a veiny hand on Ben’s wrist. “What would your beautiful Sarah have wanted for you? Your mother has said you are drinking a lot. She tells me that if you don’t drink, you start to have withdrawals. Do you think your love would have wanted this for you, dear boy? You have a brilliant mind, Benning Solo. I know this, I have known you your entire life. You were always the curious boy, asking questions and reading almost before you could walk. We all knew you would be a great success in whatever you decided to do with your life. Medicine… it’s in your blood, in your soul. Don’t you think dear Sarah would want you to become a doctor like you had planned?” Maz patted his hand before turning and returning to her chair, where she sat and eyed Ben once more. “So, you feel angry at the world, am I correct? Angry that she was taken from you?”

 

“Yes,” Ben said after a long silence, his fists clenching and unclenching as he tried to stay calm. He refused to look at Maz, instead keeping his eyes focused on the patterned rug, his jaw working furiously as he fought back tears.

 

“You need to focus your anger then, since we can’t bring her back. You know that, right, Ben? This… patient. The girl at the hospital – yes, we know about her – you know that she is not a replacement for Sarah, right?” Maz said quietly, looking at Ben.

 

It seemed to Ben as if all the air was sucked out of the room at the mention of Rey, his focus narrowing into a red haze as he breathed in heavily over and over, trying to keep himself calm and failing. “None of you have a clue about her. I’m not talking about this. In fact, this session is over. Have a nice day, _Dr. Kanata_ ,” Ben bit out his words curtly, standing and biting his bottom lip to try and keep the anger buried deep inside, where it should stay. While he wanted to tear everything in the room to shreds, he settled on slamming the door behind him, semi-satisfied at hearing the glass in the windows rattle in the aftermath.

 

His rage was still barely contained as he stalked back to his mother’s car, bypassing it and continuing to walk down the sidewalk towards his house. It was a long walk – about two miles – but Ben needed the time to himself. He needed to think, to decompress – and to be left alone. His mother obviously had a different idea, because she pulled her car into the parking lot of a store ahead of him, and as he approached, Leia stood in the middle of the sidewalk, her arms crossed over her chest and her feet planted firmly, her eyes narrowed in anger.

 

“Ben,” she said as he approached.

 

Ben stepped around her, continuing to walk as he threw the first words that came to his mind over his shoulder at her, “Fuck off.”

 

“She’s not a replacement for Sarah, Ben. I’ve been in to see her, you know. Sure, she looks like Sarah – but she’s not her. You know that, right?” Leia said, loud enough for her retreating son to hear. “What if she wakes up, Ben, and she doesn’t want you? What are you going to do then?”

 

At his mother’s revelation, Ben stopped, biting his bottom lip to try and control the rage. He could feel it coming to the surface – he had never been good at controlling it. His mother referred to it as him being ‘passionate’, but Ben knew that was her way of coping with the fact that he was a self-loathing loner asshole, and had always been one. “Don’t ever mention her again. And don’t you ever set foot in her hospital room again, do you understand, Mother? I will cut you all off. I’ve done it before for lesser reasons. Do you understand?”

 

“Oh, Ben… we’re just worried about you. Don’t you see that?” Leia said softly, the sound of the traffic whizzing by almost making it impossible to hear.

 

Ben turned, stalking the distance between he and his mother in no time at all before he looked at her, the anger he was feeling inside evident in his gaze. “You always worry about me. Or, do you worry about what your fuck up of a son will do? Are you worried you’ll have to send me away again, Mom, for my own good? Like you did when I was fifteen? Were you worried about me then, or worried you wouldn’t get re-elected as District Attorney? I’m twenty-eight, Mom, not fifteen. I’ll see who I want, when I want to. And when I get back to my house, my stuff better be there. I held my end of the bargain.” Ben turned once more, headed on his original path home. Behind him, he heard his mother start sobbing.

 

He couldn’t care less that he’d hurt her.

 

She’d hurt him too.

 

….

 

Ben arrived home later that day, aching, tired and shaking from withdrawal. He breathed a sigh of relief when his house came into view, the lack of cars in his driveway indicating that his family had gone home. He had drained his flask in the first half mile of his walk, hoping that would tide him over until he got home.

 

His hands were shaking so badly that pulling his keys out of his pocket was a feat, and fitting the key in the lock took a solid five minutes of concentration, beads of sweat collecting on his forehead as he fought with his own body to allow him the dexterity to complete what was normally a simple task.

 

Once inside, he was relieved to see the familiar bottles – some of them, anyways – sitting on his counter, along with enough takeout food to last him for a week. He crossed the room at breakneck speed considering how shaky he was, almost tripping on the throw rug in his kitchen as he reached for his whiskey bottle. As soon as the liquid hit his throat though, Ben sighed, letting the warm, familiar burn calm his nerves and his anger.

 

Settling into his favorite chair with his bottles of whiskey and a glass, Ben flipped through the tv channels until he found something mildly interesting to watch as he got drunk.

 

He woke five hours later to the sound of his phone chiming on the end table. Wiping the sleep from his eyes, Ben picked up the device, staring blearily at it for a moment before the words of the text message from Kayla registered in his brain.

 

_< Kayla> Ben! Rey… she moved her hand today! Dr. Hux says her EEG is showing a spike in brain activity! Just thought you should know!_

And, for the first time in days, Ben smiled.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hands out tissues and wine to everyone*
> 
> Let me know what you think.... kudos and comments = love. <3


	6. My soul is in the sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben hits rock bottom. Many tears are shed, and there is an awakening in the... Force?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicidal ideations, suicidal thoughts/attempt, alcoholism
> 
> Kleenex Level Warning: Truckload.
> 
> Thanks be to my amazing, one of a kind Beta and moodboard Goddess - [Azuwite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azuwrite)! She is amazing and such a good person! Check out her stuff!
> 
> To my gals in the Den, I love you all. Please don't kill me for what I have done.

[](https://imgur.com/zW3AHD6)

The next two weeks were a holding pattern for Ben. He had talked to his mother, and while he had yet to see her, or his family, since their little  _ intervention _ , Ben knew deep inside that they only had his best interests at heart.

Rey still hadn’t woken up, but he did see her fingers moving one night, and had reported it to Hux excitedly, only to be told by his old friend the next day that, while her brain activity was more active than before, it still wasn’t where it should be.

Still, Ben had the sense that there was something looming for both of them, something big and life changing.

He had finished reading  _ A Midsummer Night’s Dream _ , and was now reading Shakespeare’s  _ Sonnets _ to her. Ben supposed that if she were to wake up during one of his visits, it would be to his voice reading her poems of love. He had done some reading on comatose patients, and there was some evidence that they could hear people talking while they were in such a state, so Ben had also taken to talking to Rey about anything and everything. He had probably told her more about him than anyone else knew – even his family didn’t know about the wine glass incident during the summer of 1999 – but Rey knew.

It was his day off, and so he had more time to spend reading to Rey tonight. As he pulled both the  _ Sonnets _ and  _ A Midsummer Night’s Dream _ out of his bag, he settled into his normal spot. Ben started to read, until his eyes grew so heavy he could barely keep them open. With a yawn, he closed the book… and promptly fell asleep.

….

Something hit the floor with a loud  _ bang _ , and Ben’s eyes flew open to find a very, very angry looking man hovering over him.

“Who the hell are you, and what the hell are you doing in my sister’s room?” Finn’s voice rang out in the stillness of the room, causing Ben to flinch as though the other man was going to hit him. Holding up a very familiar picture that Ben always kept tucked into the copy of  _ A Midsummer Night’s Dream _ that he always brought with him – a picture that had been taken by Hux of him and Sarah three days after finishing their first year of med school, the other man asked, “Why do you have a picture of my sister and you? Who the hell are you? I’m calling security!”

Ben stood, towering over Finn, his hands out in a pleading manner. “Please, hold on. Let me explain… please, can I have my picture back? It’s important to me. Please?” Ben’s voice was almost a whimper as he asked for the picture of he and Sarah back. He could barely breathe, his chest tightening until he wondered if it would stop completely, anguish evident in his gaze as he looked at Finn through eyes that were now filling with tears.

Finn glanced at the picture again, keeping the scowl on his face as he handed the picture back to Ben. “Who are you? Besides some random creeper who falls asleep in my comatose sister’s room? You don’t get out much, do you? What else have you been doing in the hospital?” Finn didn’t care that the man was crying, nor did he care that Ben was taller and possibly stronger than him. He wanted the man gone from Rey’s room. “I’m getting security.”

“No, please…” Ben said, watching as Finn left the room. Going to Rey’s bed, Ben touched her hand for what could be the last time. “I’m sorry, sunshine. Sleep well. I’m so sorry.” Swallowing around the lump in his throat, Ben gathered up his books and backpack and slipped out of the room, watching as Finn gestured at him as he talked to one of the nurses.

He was fucked, and he didn’t know what to do – except for get drunk. That was now his one constant – because he was positive he had just lost the only thing that he had to look forward to.

Sarah had been taken from him – and now Rey would be as well.

….

He was at the bar, seventeen shots into his night, when his phone buzzed in his pocket.

_ <Hux> Benning, we need to talk. You are not allowed onto this floor of the hospital anymore, do you understand? Not my doing. Family request. _

It took Ben five minutes of staring at his phone with bleary, drunken eyes before he typed out a reply.

_ ARMIE! Come dsmrink with me u sexy gngrrrr fucque! _

Ben was quite satisfied as he pressed the send button before turning his attentions back to the double rum and coke that had suddenly appeared in front of him. He didn’t remember ordering it, but if it was in front of him, he had to drink it. Those were the rules. His phone buzzed again in his pocket, and Ben pulled it out to find another text from Hux, as well as one from Poe.

_ <Hux> I most certainly will NOT “come drink” with you, Benning. I am contacting Poe to retrieve you before you do something stupid. _

Ben giggled as he read the message, doing his best to type back a reply.

_ LoL Stills gots the schtick up ur bum, huh Armykins? _

The message from Poe was a little more positive, at least.

_ <Poe> If you’re at the normal spot, I’m on my way, stay put, you colossal drunken idiot. _

By the time Poe arrived, Ben was sitting at a table in the corner, his head down on the sticky tabletop. Shaking his head at seeing his best friend in such a state, Poe approached the table, sighing as he slid into the chair next to Ben’s. Reaching out with one hand, Poe shook Ben hard, his best friend coming to with a loud snort as he lifted his head, a line of drool forming between his hand and his mouth.

Poe shook his head again and snorted. “That’s attractive, Solo. Come on, I’d better get you home.”

“Poe? Dun wanna go home. Wanna drown. In whiskey. Help me?” Tears rolled down Ben’s face as he looked at Poe, and in his drunken state, he wanted nothing more than for Poe to help him get even drunker than he already was.

“Jesus, Ben, we have to work in six hours, man! You need to get home and sleep this shit off! How much have you had to drink?” Poe had received a text from Doctor Hux, informing him of what had transpired at the hospital, as well as several texts from Kayla, also filling him in.

This was exactly what he had feared – that something would happen to break the little happiness that Ben had found in reading to Rey. Leia had told him the story about Sarah, and Poe had seen the pictures – they were all scared about what would happen when Rey woke up. Now it didn’t matter, because her family had blocked Ben from access – and Poe was worried for his best friend.

It took Poe and the bouncer to get Ben out to his car, because the bastard was  _ huge _ , and when he was a drunk, sobbing mess with snot and tears running down his face – well, Ben wasn’t much help in  _ walking. _

Poe took out his phone before he started his car, texting Holdo to let her know they wouldn’t be into work. He’d have to find some way to explain this to their boss – but that problem could be solved later.

….

Ben came to with a start, and as awareness bloomed, he realized he was lying on the cold tile of his bathroom floor in a pool of drool, blood and puke. It seemed like a fitting way for him to die, and so he laughed as he tried to sit up, to no avail. Slumping back down onto the floor, Ben laughed again, the sound bitter and sad as it floated into the silent aether of space.

How had he become… this? He was a pathetic drunk - a pathetic drunk who couldn’t even keep an imaginary relationship with a comatose woman, who happened to look like his dead girlfriend, going.

“Oft expectation fails, and most oft there where most it promises; and oft it hits where hope is coldest, and despair most fits,” Ben quoted Shakespeare into the silence, another laugh escaping his lips. A wave of nausea hit him, and he didn’t even try to move this time, vomiting all over the floor.

 

The door opened, and Ben looked up to find his Dad standing there, Han crossing his arms over his chest and shaking his head softly at the spectacle of his middle son hitting rock bottom. “Come on, kid,” Han said softly, “You need a shower and to sleep this off.”

 

“Mm okay,” Ben grumbled at his Dad, blinking in the muted light of the room. “Jus’ gonna lay here and die in my puke, k?”

 

“Either I help you, kid, or I call your Mom. I’m sure she’d love to leave whatever case she’s consulting on to come shove you in the shower and then in bed and then clean up your mess.” Han leveled a gaze at Ben, eliciting a groan from the hulking figure on the floor.

 

“Fine, Dad. But if you touch my whiskey, I will make you pay.”

 

As Han helped Ben up and into the shower, he chuckled. “Too late, kid, too late.”

 

….

 

Ben had to admit – the shower had helped – but not in a good way. Standing under the hot spray, he had pondered his life, and it left him feeling raw. How had he become a pathetic drunk? Five years ago, Ben Solo had the world by the balls. He was smart, came from a prominent family, and was looking forward to a career in a field he loved as a Cardiologist. He had a gorgeous woman whom he loved deeply and loved him in return, and he considered everyone he met a friend.

 

Sarah’s death had changed everything. Watching her waste away before his eyes, while he could do nothing to help – it had changed his world view. Standing over her grave, Ben felt like he had lost everything good in his life, and the next day he had dropped out of med school.

 

When he had seen Rey, his first glimpse of her face had woken something up in him. For the first time in the two years since Sarah had died – he felt hope. He felt like he had something to live for, something to look forward to more than drinking himself to a slow death.

 

But now, that was gone too, and Ben once again was left with nothing but a pathetic, drunken existence, wishing for death to come take him so he could see Sarah again.

 

….

 

His family refused to leave him alone, and it was driving him insane.

 

All Ben wanted to do was get drunk, but his family had other plans. They were constantly stopping over, constantly texting or calling him.

 

_ All. Damn. Day. _

 

Finally, Ben had quite enough, and after yelling at his sister through his front door, he turned off his phone and grabbed every bottle of alcohol he had in his house, stuffing them all into a multitude of bags he found in his closets.

 

As he pulled his car out of the garage, he flipped his sister – who was still sitting on his front porch on guard duty – the bird before tearing down the street.

 

He didn’t care anymore. About anything – his job, his family, his friends, his future.

 

He was as numb as he had ever been inside – and it felt  _ glorious _ .

 

His day of reckoning with the world had come – and he was going to enjoy every last moment.

 

….

 

It felt right for everything to end at the lake where he’d first laid eyes on Rey. As Ben pulled his car into the parking lot near the lake, near where Rey’s car had slid into the lake, he felt a strange sense of peace wash over him. He felt almost close to Rey again – sure, it wasn’t him sitting next the bed reading to her, or touching her hand and telling her to sleep well before he left – but this is where he had first laid eyes on her.

 

Unscrewing the lid off a half full bottle of Jack Daniels, Ben took a long swallow, reaching into the backpack that he always carried and withdrawing the picture of him and Sarah – the one he was never without. He knew Sarah wouldn’t be proud of him – in fact, she would be the first in line to kick his ass. But she was dead – and he had no one.

 

Loneliness settled over Ben like an old, familiar friend, and he embraced it as such.

 

When he passed out in a puddle of tears, snot and vomit, slumped over the wheel of his car – his last thought was that he hoped he didn’t wake up.

 

….

 

The beeping of machines sounded like the world’s most annoying alarm clock as Ben came to, his eyes swollen and red from hours of imbibing and sobbing. His mouth felt like the Sahara Desert, and his head – well, decapitation sounded like a good option to end the pain he was feeling there.

 

Seeing the look on his mother’s face as he looked up, though, was enough to make him wish once more that he hadn’t woken up. Leia Organa-Solo didn’t have to say a word to let people know when she was disappointed in them – she simply had to give them  _ the look _ , and it was one all her children were intimately aware of – and it had always terrified them.

 

“So,  _ Benning _ ,” the use of his full first name by his mother had Ben cringing, “I got a phone call from the  _ police _ , telling me that they finally found my son parked by the lake, passed out drunk and practically dead, with a car full of alcohol. Do you know how lucky you are? DO YOU?” Leia’s voice was a low hiss as she leaned forward, her eyes angry and sad as they looked at her middle son.

 

“Please, Mother, not now? You can scream at me later all you want. I just want to be left alone to die in misery, ok?” Ben turned his face away from Leia before reaching down and ripping the IV line out of his arm, watching the blood trickling down his arm from where the needle had punctured his vein. A small smirk came to his lips as the blood started dripping onto the floor, his mother shaking her head as she reached over to hit the call button to summon a nurse.

….

 

Of course, no one let him die, and Ben found himself sitting in his favorite chair in his living room five hours later, glaring at his younger brother as Anakin flipped through the channels, looking for something to watch.

 

“Am I allowed to go to the bathroom alone, or has Mother commanded I be followed everywhere?” Ben bit out at Ani, his eyes narrowed slightly. Normally, he was close with his younger brother, but his mother had ordered him to have constant guards until he ‘came to his senses’.

 

He just wanted a drink. He wanted to be numb, until he couldn’t feel anymore.

 

He wondered how Rey was doing. Was anyone reading to her, or talking to her like he had? Or was she simply lying there, comatose, with no outside stimulation unless her brother was there?

 

“Ben, come on… Mom is just worried about you. We all are.” Anakin looked at his older brother, sighing softly. He had always looked up to Ben, had always wanted to emulate him as a kid. Ben was good-looking and smart, and Anakin had always been horribly shy, and while smart – he had never been as smart as Ben. None of the Solo kids had been as smart as Ben.

 

And now – well, his older brother wasn’t the same. He hadn’t been since Sarah died. If Anakin could have willed her back to life just to make Ben happy again – he would have. Ben was wasting away like Sarah had – except, instead of it being cancer robbing them all of Ben – it was alcohol.

 

Ben looked at Anakin, sighing as he realized just how worried his little brother was for him. The kid had been his shadow when they were younger. Ani had always snuck into Ben’s room after they all went to bed at night, and Ben would read to him until he fell asleep on the floor next to his bed.

 

“Yeah. I know, Ani,” Ben mumbled as he lumbered past, heading to the bathroom. Hopefully, his family hadn’t discovered his hiding place there – a false wall he had created in the linen cabinet for just this reason. His mother's modus operandi was always to dump out all his alcohol. For someone as brilliant and intelligent as Leia Organa-Solo, she knew nothing about the methods or motives of an addict.

 

Addicts always found a way to their next fix – it was as inevitable as the sun rising in the east and setting in the west. It just was.

 

As he closed the bathroom door behind him, Ben sighed with relief as he removed the board at the back of the cabinet, revealing five full bottles of Jack Daniels. Grabbing one out, he unscrewed the cap with shaking hands, guzzling down as much of the liquid as he could in one gulp, a smile gracing his features as he felt the familiar warmth spreading down to his gut.

 

He could do this. He could pretend to be okay until they went away. He could pretend that he wasn’t consumed by his own self-loathing and worry for Rey. He could pretend that he didn’t miss the life he had once had, the woman he had loved so desperately that when she died, a piece of him died with her.

He could do it – because he just wanted to be left alone to drown in his sorrows and his alcohol. When he was numb, nothing mattered.

 

After fifteen minutes spent guzzling down as much of the bottle as he could, Ben returned to the living room, rolling his eyes at his younger brother’s choice of movies. “Really, Ani? Fast and the Furious? Remember when we tried to drift with Dad’s  _ Falcon _ ? He was so pissed!”

 

If Anakin noticed that Ben’s mood had increased a bit, or that he was no longer shaky from withdrawals, he never said a word, and the brothers spent the day watching every movie in the  _ Fast And Furious _ franchise. Ben drank from his bottle in the bathroom every chance he got.

 

_ I got this. I can do this. _

 

….

 

After four days, Ben was finally and blissfully left alone to his own devices.

 

Just as he was about to walk out the door to go to the corner store to replenish his stock of alcohol, there was a knock in his door. As Ben twisted the handle to open the door, a scowl on his face, his face changed as he saw who was waiting on his front porch.

 

Amilyn Holdo did  _ not _ look happy.

 

“Hello, Ben. We need to talk.” His boss didn’t wait for him to invite her in, instead pushing past him and turning towards him in his foyer, her eyes looking him over from head to toe. “You’re a fucking mess, Solo,” Amilyn said before she headed into his living room, sitting down on one of the chairs.

 

Ben followed her, feeling his heart start to pound in his chest. If he lost his job – that would be just another nail in his coffin. His job was the one thing he was still clinging to that he knew he was good at.

Licking his suddenly dry lips, Ben replied after settling himself into his favorite chair, “I- I know.”

 

“You’re my best paramedic, Ben. Poe doesn’t work well with most people, but you and him make one hell of a team. I can’t let you work anymore, Ben, not until you get your shit together. I got a call from the hospital administrator last week. You’ve been reading to some comatose patient? The one you saved a few months back? What the hell, Ben? Do you know her family could  _ sue _ the hospital  _ and _ our company for it?” Amilyn sat back in the chair, looking at Ben. He saw the anger in her eyes stemming from his actions – but he also saw affection and caring – Amilyn didn’t like seeing him like this.

 

“Ami,” Ben said, his eyes dancing around the room as he tried to find the words to explain. Finally, he reached into a drawer in the end table next to him, withdrawing a photo album and tossing it lightly to her. Amilyn caught it with ease, opening it up and flipping through it for a moment before she looked up, her brow furrowed in confusion.

 

“I…I’m not sure what these pictures are supposed to be telling me, Ben. I mean, you look happier, and the woman with you is gorgeous. It’s obvious you are in love with each other – and it’s nice to see Dr. Hux without a stick up his ass and smiling – but could you explain?”

 

Ben ran a hand through his hair before sitting forward, his elbows resting on his knees. “Her name was Sarah. We were in med school together, and I had planned to spend the rest of my life with her. She, um, she died. Two years ago. Uterine cancer. She got diagnosed and was gone in six months. Just like that.” Ben snapped his fingers to emphasize his point. “The day of the run, when we saved Rey Sands… Amilyn, Rey is like a clone of her. Sarah. I felt… light again. Like, maybe I could help her survive, because I hadn’t been able to help Sarah. So, I started going to the hospital and reading Sarah’s favorite book to her –  _ A Midsummer Night’s Dream _ .”

 

Amilyn’s eyes filled with sadness as Ben bared his heart to her, she stood and crossed the room, squatting so that she was eye-level with Ben. Wrapping her arms around him, Amilyn hugged him. “I’m so sorry, Ben. I had no clue. I just knew that you’re brilliant, and you had to drop out of med school for some reason. I understand the ‘why’ of things now, but Ben… do you think this is what Sarah would want for you? Or, if Rey wakes up, do you think she would want this for anyone?”

 

Ben swallowed thickly as Amilyn released him from the hug and stood. “Probably not, but I don’t know any other way to deal.”

 

“Oh, Ben. I should be firing you, you know… but I am putting you on leave until you get your shit together, alright? That’s the only way I can appease my bosses, and you need help, Solo. Please.” Amilyn leveled a gaze at Ben before she turned, heading back towards the front door. “I’ll give you as long as you need, Ben, but please – get help. Dameron is gonna drive me crazy until you come back.” She smiled at Ben as she opened the door, and he blinked in the sudden flood of sunlight.

 

“T-Thanks, Ami,” Ben muttered as the door closed behind her, plunging him into darkness once more. Whether it was the light or his soul – Ben wasn’t certain.

….

 

With no job to go to, and his family and friends checking in once or twice a day to make sure he was alive, Ben fell into a routine.

 

Wake up, take a piss, maybe a shower, drink, watch television until he passed out – sometimes in a pool of vomit, sometimes not – drink some more, crawl/walk to bed, sleep, rinse, repeat.

 

On a clear day in April, Ben knew he had enough. Today was another day he dreaded – it would have been Sarah’s 29 th birthday. As soon as the first rays of sunlight hit the world, Ben went to the local florist, purchasing one stargazer lily – which had been Sarah’s favorite flower. Next, he stopped at the liquor store to replenish his stores of booze, and then he went to his least favorite place in the world – the final resting place of the woman he had wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

 

Ben sank to the ground in front of Sarah’s headstone, one hand reaching out to place the lily on the cold marble before resting a shaking hand on it reverently, his other hand reaching down to touch the earth she now rested in. “Hey baby,” Ben said in a whisper, tears already trailing down his face as he wept. “God, I miss you, Sar. I miss everything about you. I haven’t stopped missing you. Everyone… everyone says it is supposed to get easier, that the ache is supposed to fade away. But there’s this hole in me, and it’s not closing, baby. It’s not getting better.” Ben flattened to the earth now, one hand still on the marble gravestone, his other hand now curling into the grass and earth of Sarah’s grave. He imagined his cheek was resting against hers, and he kept talking in a low whisper, not caring that tears and snot were running down his face, dripping onto the earth below him.

 

He would cry buckets, and it still wouldn’t capture all the pain he felt inside. He didn’t think an Olympic-sized swimming pool would even be big enough.

 

“Sar, you sent her, didn’t you? You sent Rey, you put her in my path that day, didn’t you? But I’ve lost her too, and I don’t know how to deal. I.. I think I am gonna leave. I’m gonna drink until I don’t wake up. That way I’ll be with you again, and we can just be together like we were supposed to. I, I really think that’s what I want to do. I just… I want to be free from this pain. I’m being torn apart.”

 

Ben lay on the earth housing the final resting place of his love, crying and whispering to her until the light started to dim. His hands were shaking badly now as he did his best to get to his feet, his lips meeting the cold marble in a kiss that almost seemed like a silent worship to the person resting beneath it.

 

“I love you. I’ll see you soon.” The words hung in the air for a moment before drifting into the aether of the universe, Ben hoping they reached their destination somehow as he walked back to his car, his eyes red-rimmed and swollen as the tears continued to fall freely down his face.

….

 

The lake was a good place for him to end it. He had already visited Sarah, and while he wasn’t allowed to visit Rey, he could once more sit in his car, drinking and looking out over the waters where he had first laid eyes on her. He pulled out his bottle of Jack, and as he drank it down, he pondered dying once more.

He hoped he would just… go to sleep. He hoped there wouldn’t be any pain involved – but didn’t he deserve the pain for everything he had done over the past two years? He had been nothing but trouble to his parents, to his siblings, and even to his friends. He had been surly and difficult, had caused thousands of dollars of damages to various property – not to mention the hours of worry his family had put in over him.

 

He knew they would miss him. But it would be better this way.

 

As Ben took another drink and thought about death, his hand going up to the shifter as he pondered if, instead of just going to sleep, he should shift the car into neutral and just ride it into the lake, he was shocked when the driver’s door opened and someone roughly his size pulled him out rather aggressively.

 

“Benning, you fucking prat. What the fuck do you think you are doing, you bloody wanker?” The face of his old best friend, Armitage Hux, swam into view, and Ben mumbled, “Trying to die, you ginger fuck. Leave me to it.”

….

In Room 223 of Regency Hospital, the stillness of the night was also filled with the beeping and whirring of various machines, each one designed to monitor every aspect of Rey Sands’ vital signs.

 

As her eyes opened and she let out a gasp, every monitor went into overdrive, sending alarms ringing at the nurses station – which was met with the cacophony of footsteps as no less than three nurses ran towards her room.

 

And as Kayla Kenobi approached Rey’s bed, the hazel-eyed woman looked at her and said, her voice hoarse and raspy after months of no use, “Where’s Ben? He was reading to me.”


	7. Those wounds heal ill that men do give themselves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben deals with his issues, Rey seeks some answers.
> 
> Kleenex Alert Level: Minimal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks to my super talented beta and moodboard artist - [Azuwrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azuwrite)! Please go check out her stories, they are amazing!
> 
> Also, big thanks to all my sprinting friends in TWD.. love you all!

[](https://imgur.com/ZNPFEML)

“Hello, Ben. How are you feeling today?”

 

Ben looked up from the book he was reading, peering into the morning sunlight at the woman standing beside the bench he was sitting on. He had been in rehab for seven weeks now, and almost every day, Dr. Kalonia greeted him the same way – eliciting the same answer from him every time.

 

“Fine.” Ben was anything but fine, and they both were well aware of that fact. Sure, he might be sober now, but being sober just left him feeling raw without the numbing effects of the alcohol. Someone had flayed him from inside out, and Ben didn’t have the energy to even begin to process it.

 

“Ready for our session?” The doctor’s eyes were kind as she looked at Ben, and he knew she truly enjoyed her work. She had a purpose, a reason to wake up every day. He wished he had a reason to wake up – he had one until about seven weeks ago, when she had been ripped from him.

 

“Sure,” Ben replied, closing his book and standing, following the good doctor inside and into her office, which he knew she tried to make welcoming with its soft colors and the smell of baked cookies from the wax warmer on the window sill.

 

It felt like the world’s most comfortable torture chamber to him, though. Dr. Kalonia was the world’s best persecutor, flaying layers from his skin and then rubbing salve into the wounds after they bled for a while to try and comfort him.

 

“So, Ben, what shall we talk about today?” Dr. Kalonia looked at him from behind her wooden desk, tablet in front of her to take notes, and Ben would have paid a lot of money to look at her case notes on him.

 

“Well, I just read the most fascinating study regarding new software for MRI’s that can help detect a higher stroke risk in patients presenting with atrial fibrillation. This software analyzes cardiac muscle movement and finds a specific kind of altered function in the left atrium that signifies a stroke risk. Oh, I forgot – your degree is in psychology, not real medicine that saves lives. Sorry, my bad. I guess that article wouldn’t truly interest you, then.” Ben sat back in his chair, looking at a spot just past the doctor’s shoulder.

 

“Mr. Solo,” Dr. Kalonia chided him softly, “I believe I do save lives. Mental health is just as important as cardiac health. Why don’t we talk about your friend Armitage?”

 

“What about that ginger fuck do you want to know?” Ben sat forward, his elbows going to his knees.

 

Kalonia looked at Ben for a long moment before leaning forward, her eyes searching his before she sat back in her fake European leather chair, steepling her fingers for a moment before speaking again. “You know, Ben, you’ve been here with us for seven weeks now, and you have yet to mention Sarah. In fact, you haven’t mentioned anyone but Armitage and Poe. Why is that?”

 

“No,” Ben said softly, his tone low and almost menacing as he felt the familiar rush of pain, tears pooling in his eyes almost immediately at the mention of Sarah’s name. “We… I… I can’t talk about her. About any of it.” His fists clenched, and his lower jaw worked furiously as he tried to hold it together.

 

“Ben, don’t you think you’ve held it in long enough? All the pain of losing her?” Dr. Kalonia watched her patient carefully, knowing he was on the verge of a panic attack. “Do you think you are the only person who has lost someone to cancer?”

 

“N-No,” Ben said, his eyes wild as he tried to find something to focus on so he could resist punching the wall or the window.

 

“Tell me about her, Ben. Tell me about Sarah. I know you loved her from what everyone has told me. Where did you meet her?” Dr. Kalonia sat back in her chair again, simply watching and waiting.

 

“College,” Ben offered, clenching and unclenching his fists as he let a memory come to his mind – a memory of days gone by, when the world was his to conquer. “She, um, she actually ran into me on campus – literally. Spilled her coffee all over me. Yeah, that was it for me. Love at first sight.” Ben shrugged, taking a deep, shuddering breath as he ran a hand through his hair and glanced at the clock.

 

“Did she love you back, as well?” Kalonia asked softly.

 

“Eventually. But at first – well, she, um, she dated Armie.”

 

Kalonia raised an eyebrow at that revelation, sitting forward slightly now as she asked, “And how did that make you feel at the time?”

 

Ben raised an eyebrow at the doctor, wanting nothing more than to run from the room screaming. “How would you feel if the girl you wanted was dating your best friend? I felt like shit, of course. Can I go now?”

 

Dr. Kalonia nodded, holding up a finger to indicate she wanted him to wait a moment longer as she scribbled down notes on her tablet. “I’d like you to think about something before our next session, Ben,” the doctor looked up at him, giving him a soft smile before continuing, “I’d like you to think about where you see yourself in five years from now.”

 

As Ben beat a hasty retreat from the room, he wondered if  _ nowhere _ would be an acceptable response for the doctor.

 

….

 

The days after Rey woke up were all a confusing blur for her. Tests upon tests, doctors talking to her like she didn’t understand simple English – when she was about to go to school to become a doctor herself – nurses in and out of her room constantly, and Finn and Rose acting like she was still close to death.

 

She wanted to go home. She wanted to hear Ben’s voice again, reading to her softly in the silence. She wanted to find out who he was – but every time she mentioned his name, everyone got quiet and changed the subject.

 

Maybe she was insane. Maybe Ben had been nothing but a coma-induced dream hallucination. Still, Rey wanted him to be real. She felt like she knew him now, like if she ever met him they could carry on a conversation like they had known each other forever. And, she didn’t know if she could sleep properly without hearing his dulcet voice saying, “Good night, sunshine. Sleep well.”

 

Finally, after four days of the doctors running tests – and finding that she was perfectly healthy again – Rey got to go home. Phasma was enthusiastic to see her, of course, and showered her owner with kisses and demands for belly rubs, and Finn and Rose were  _ constantly _ in her room, checking on her. Finn practically  _ insisted _ on walking with her to the bathroom, and finally Rey had enough, snapping at him to “Leave me the hell alone, you bloody wanker. I’m awake and able to walk myself to the bathroom.”

 

Finn threw his hands up, backing off and letting her make the trek herself. While she was tired and weak – Rey was happy. Happy to be home, happy to be alive.

 

She’d be even happier if she could figure out the mystery that was Ben.

 

….

 

Ben made his way to the small gym that the rehab provided, needing to work out some frustrations before they came and got him for group sessions – which basically amounted to Ben sitting in a hard, uncomfortable plastic chair that could barely hold his weight as a therapist tried to make everyone talk about their feelings.

 

The coffee was always ass cold, and the pastries were day-old and stale – he couldn’t even look forward to that.

 

The gym afforded him a means to punch things without getting arrested or tossed out of rehab – and Ben really,  _ really _ needed to punch something. Luckily, Ben was the only one who wanted to vent his frustrations at the moment, and as he strapped on the padded gloves and started hitting the punching bag over and over again, he found his anger sliding away.

 

When the house manager came to find him an hour later, Ben felt better – not better enough to talk about his feelings with complete strangers – but better. It was a start.

 

….

 

Rey’s first week back home was as uneventful as she hoped it would be. She had been granted an extension to finish up her last semester, and as she eyed the mound of textbooks sitting on her desk that she should be studying from, Rey sighed, wishing she could go back to the night of the accident. She would have let her damn phone ring until it went to voicemail, thereby avoiding the accident which had robbed her almost four months of her life.

 

Ben still consumed her thoughts, and Rey knew damn well that Rose and Finn both knew where the thoughts she was having stemmed from. Her brother and his girlfriend would clam up as soon as Rey said his name, and she noticed the glances that passed between them.

 

Finally, on the Friday after she came home, as they were sitting down to pizza and a movie, Rey broached the subject once more. As she smashed down three pieces of a double meat, double cheese supreme pizza, Rey wiped her mouth before looking at her roommates, her expression serious.

 

“Who is Ben, and why doesn’t anyone want me to know who he is? Don’t lie. I’m sick of everyone dancing around the subject. Who is he?”

 

Rose and Finn exchanged a look, and finally, Finn set down his plate, wiping his hands on a napkin before answering her. Rose just sat quietly next to him as he talked, watching Rey’s face and ready to be on her feet in a moment’s notice if necessary.

 

“He was one of the paramedics who saved your life. Apparently he was… I won’t say obsessed… but he got attached to you. He’d come in every day and sit by your bed, reading some silly book to you.”

 

“It wasn’t silly. It was Shakespeare,” Rey commented before waving her hand to indicate Finn should continue.

 

“Whatever,” Finn said, huffing as he continued on with his story. “I came in one day and found him asleep in the chair. He had this picture, and I thought it was of you and him – but he started sobbing when he saw I had it, so I gave it back to him before I got a good look at it again. It was just creepy, Rey. So, I called security and then spoke with Dr. Hux, and he wasn’t allowed back to your floor anymore. I heard someone saying his name was Ben, that’s how I know it was him.”

 

Rey felt her blood go cold at her brother’s admission. While she and Finn weren’t bound by blood, they had been raised in the same foster family since they were both thirteen, and he was the only family she had. She appreciated the fact that he thought he was protecting her, but she knew the truth.

 

Ben would never harm her, and he had helped her through the darkness.

 

Nodding her head, Rey said softly, “So, in true Finn fashion, instead of listening to someone’s reason for their actions, you chose to overreact. I don’t think I want to be around you right now, Finn.” Rey stood, making her way back to her room, where she lay on her bed and thought about how she could go about finding Ben.

 

….

 

As Ben fell into bed later that night, Dr. Kalonia’s question from earlier came to his mind, and even though he wanted to push it away, he couldn’t. He had never thought about his future since Sarah’s death – because all he wanted to do was forget. Forget, get drunk, and muddle through life until, one day, his liver gave out and he died.

 

But now that he was sober – he was beginning to see how ridiculous that was. Sarah never would have wanted him to drink himself to death – she’d be kicking his ass for how he had been acting! He knew he had work to do, and as he let the tears overtake him, Ben felt something he hadn’t felt in a very long time.

 

_ Hope _ .

 

….

 

On Saturday morning, Rey spent the entire morning tracking down the police and EMT report from her car crash. While it would take them a couple days to get the information needed – it was a start. She was still angry with both Finn and Rose for keeping the real story from her – but if she could track down Ben, it would be worth it.

 

Monday morning would hold a lot of answers for her, and she spent the rest of the weekend trying to catch up on schoolwork.

 

When she finally held the reports in her hand, her heart stuttered in her chest as she saw the name on the report, the man’s signature in fluid, neat script.

 

Ben Solo.

 

Her savior’s name was Ben Solo.

 

Now she just had to track him down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave comments and kudos, and mash that subscribe button if you like what you see! <3
> 
> Come visit me on tumblr:[my-jedi-life](https://my-jedi-life.tumblr.com/)
> 
> And on the twitter: [MyJediLife](https://twitter.com/MyJediLife)


	8. For where thou art, there is the world itself, And where thou art not, desolation...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey seeks answers, and gets some.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the next stop on the Ben Solo pain express! Tissues to the left of the cabin, box wine to the right... and thank you for travelling with us!
> 
> Thanks be to my lovely, sassy beta and moodboard artist, [Azuwrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azuwrite)! If you all could see the comments she leaves when she betas my stuff, you would giggle as much as I do!
> 
> Also, thanks to my Swollettes in House Swolo... I love you all so very much! <3

[](https://imgur.com/Y26X3An)

Rey made her way to the Hanna City station that housed Unit 9 – which was the unit that had pulled her out of the water and saved her life – on Tuesday morning, resolved to get the answers she desperately wanted. She needed to meet Ben Solo, because he had helped her come back to life, whether he realized it or not.

 

If she closed her eyes right now, she could hear his voice, the low rumble of it caressing her ears like a kiss.  _ Four happy days bring in another moon; but, methinks, how slow this old moon wanes! She lingers my desires, like to a stepdame, or a dowager, long withering out a young man’s revenue… _

 

He probably had no clue what his voice – what his presence – had done for her. Even in her comatose state, Rey had heard his voice, deep and melodious, and she had longed for it as she fought her way through the murky depths of her subconscious. She had fought through it all, just for the opportunity to  _ live _ , to be able to meet Ben and tell him that she thought the wine glass story was hilarious, and that she would never, ever tell another living soul his secret.

 

A pretty blonde looked up from where she was washing down an ambulance with a garden hose, asking Rey, “Hi, can I help you?”

 

Rey smiled in return, nodding. “Yes, please. I’m looking for a paramedic that works here. His name is Ben Solo. I’d like to speak to him… he… he saved my life, and I want to thank him.” A dark head full of curls popped around the corner of the rig, the man wearing a smile as he looked at her.

 

“Hi there. I’m Poe Dameron. I’m Ben’s partner, and I was there the day of your accident. Why don’t you come on back so we can talk?” Poe gave her a smile, his brown eyes sparkling with kindness and, perhaps, a touch of sadness. As she approached, Poe looked her over, giving a small chuckle. “You look a lot better now than the day we met, that’s for sure. Huh… hazel,” he muttered the last two words softly as he guided her towards the back of the station. “Have a seat and, um, give me a minute?”

 

Rey smiled at Poe, nodding her head. “Sure, of course!” As she waited, she tapped her foot impatiently. What would Ben look like? In her mind, he was tall, unbelievably good-looking, and the nicest, kindest person with the best heart she had ever encountered. Of course, this was just her imagination working, but his voice had been so deep and enticing, and she remembered him laughing once, a sound that had made her even more determined to fight her way back to consciousness.

 

She heard footsteps, and looked up, a nervous smile on her face. As Poe and a willowy woman with light purple hair strode towards her down the hallway, Rey stood, trying to expend her nervous energy somehow.

 

“Hello, Rey, welcome. I’m Captain Amilyn Holdo. I understand you wanted to meet Ben and thank him?” 

The woman extended a hand towards her, and Rey grasped it, nodding and licking her lips nervously.

 

“I do. And, well, Poe as well, although I didn’t see his name on the report, so I’m sorry, I only knew to ask for Ben. Is he here? He… he saved my life, yes, but… you are both going to think I am crazy here,” Rey paused for a moment, looking between Poe and Holdo, who glanced at each other nervously. Taking a breath, Rey said, “Ben would read to me in the hospital, when I was in a coma… and he saved my life by giving me a reason to fight, and a reason to live. I need to thank him for that.”

 

Poe and Holdo shared another glance before Holdo sighed. “Ben is on leave right now, Rey. We’re not sure when he will return to work.”

 

“Oh.” Rey could feel tears welling up in her eyes. “I-is he okay? I mean, will he be okay? Is he sick or something?” She looked between both of them, seeing sadness and worry in both their gazes.

 

“I can’t answer that, my dear. I’m sorry,” Holdo said softly. “I’m so glad you’ve recovered though, and I can tell you that Ben is our best paramedic, and a wonderful person. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I do need to get back to work. Poe, would you mind showing Rey around if she wants to see the station?”

 

“Not at all, Ami, thanks.” Poe watched as his boss walked away before looking back at Rey. “Ben’s my best friend, you know. I… listen, let me take you out to lunch. We can talk, I am sure you have questions about Ben. Maybe I can help.”

 

“Okay, I’d like that.” Rey smiled at Poe, grateful that Ben’s friend was willing to talk to her about him.

 

“Great. Hang out here for about twenty and let me finish cleaning my rig?”

 

Rey nodded, settling herself onto a chair. She was already feeling tired – being in a coma for so long definitely required her building her stamina back up, now that she was awake again.

 

Finally, Poe approached her, a grin on his face. “You like burritos? I know a great place – Ben and I go there all the time.”

 

“Burritos would be fine, thanks,” Rey said with a smile, standing and following Poe to his personal vehicle.

 

….

 

_ El Loco Burrito _ was a cheerfully painted small restaurant near Poe and Ben’s station, and Rey vaguely remembered driving by it on different occasions. As they exited the car and placed their orders, Poe looked over at her as they waited for their number to be called.

 

“So, you look like you’re ready to burst. Go ahead, ask me all those questions you have burning in your soul about Ben Solo.” Poe grinned, and Rey could tell he genuinely cared about Ben. She grinned back at him, already knowing that Poe was someone she could become quick friends with.

 

“I guess… well,” Rey blushed before she finally pushed the words out, “do... do you have a picture of him? I am so curious about what he looks like!”

 

Poe chuckled before digging his cellphone out of his pocket. As he unlocked it, Rey’s eyes widened slightly at the familiar face on his lock screen. “Is that…Kayla? She… she was one of my nurses, and we’ve kept in touch since I was discharged!”

 

“Yeah,” Poe’s grin grew even larger, his eyes shining with what could only be called love now, “She’s my girl. She’s incredible… so, yeah. You wanted a picture of big Ben…” Poe chuckled as he scrolled through the gallery on his phone, finally selecting a picture as the loud speaker crackled, a teenage voice calling out their order number. Poe handed his phone to her, saying, “I’ll go grab our food.”

 

Rey stared at the phone, taking in the sight of Ben Solo for the first time.

 

Poe and Ben were on a beach, both men shirtless and clutching beers in their hands. Ben was tall, with a mane of raven hair that curled down to the middle of his neck. His full lips were pulled up in a smile, and his angular face was perfect for his aquiline nose and expressive, sparkling brown eyes. His face was dotted with moles and beauty marks, and Rey touched the screen with one finger, as if she could reach through the ether of space and time to be there on that beach with him. He had broad shoulders and well-muscled arms and chest, and he very much reminded Rey of paintings she had seen of medieval Knights and Greek Gods.

 

He was far better looking than she had imagined, and she could hear his voice in her head as she stared at his face on Poe’s phone.  _ Good night, sunshine. Sleep well. _

 

Poe returned, a paper bag containing their food in one hand, and a drink carrier in the other. “C’mon, there’s a table over here. Better grab it before someone else does.”

 

Nodding absentmindedly, Rey followed Poe to the table, her eyes only briefly moving from Ben’s face. Once she was sitting across from Poe at the table, she sighed, handing his phone back to him.

 

Poe smirked, shaking his head softly. “He’d be happy with that reaction to his face. Dude thinks he’s ugly, but I see the way women look at him.” He started pulling food out of the bag, chuckling. “Yeah, Ben would be blushing right now, and probably not able to string more than three words together in front of you.”

 

“Is he shy?” Rey asked, the smell of the food pulling her out of her thoughts. She pulled her drink towards her, as well as the food Poe sat down in front of her, starting to eat as she waited for an answer.

 

“Shy? At first – especially with women – maybe. He’s just very awkward and quiet. Very, very smart, though. He… he was in his second year of med school, had gotten a perfect score on his entrance exam to get into med school, was top of his class… then something happened and he just… gave it up.” Poe stopped talking, his face turning red as he bit into his burrito.

 

“Oh. And… you’re not going to tell me what happened?” Rey asked softly after chewing a bite of her food.

 

“It’s not my story to tell, Rey. Look, Ben’s a good guy. He’s smart, like the smartest person I have ever known, and he’s fun. He’s the best Paramedic I’ve ever worked with too, and he’s got a way with the patients, putting them at ease. He’s my best friend, and I would always wait for him at the hospital when he read to you. You helped him become a little better. He stopped…” Poe stopped talking, his eyes widening a little before he stuffed another bite of burrito in his mouth.

 

“Poe… look…” Rey sat down her burrito, sighing as she tried to formulate what she was feeling inside into words. “Ben, he brought me back from the darkness. I was just floating in the ether, weightless on this murky, hazy ocean. Everything was muted. I figured that was it, I would just… fade away one day. Then Ben came into my room and started reading to me, and his voice… his voice was my  _ anchor _ . It gave me something to reach for through the dark, something to fight for. And I did – and now, here I am, longing for this man I’ve never met, who helped me through the darkest days of my life. Please, Poe, where is Ben? What’s wrong with him?”

 

Poe ran a hand through his hair as he chewed, sighing and taking a drink from his cup before answering Rey. “Five years ago, in college, Ben met a girl.”

 

“Sarah…” Rey said softly. She could recall his voice talking to her about Sarah and how brilliant she was, and how much he missed her sometimes.

 

“Yeah. Sarah. He must have talked to you about her, huh?” Poe watched Rey, running his hand through his hair again.

 

“A little. Just her name and that he missed her sometimes.”

 

“Yeah. So, they started dating, fell in love… the good stuff. Their first year of med school, she gets ovarian cancer. She died six months later. That’s when Ben dropped out of med school. He just… couldn’t handle it. He said he died right along with her. See… that’s something I can tell you about Ben. When he loves someone, that man feels it in his soul, you know? Like, the way he would read to you, tuck your hair behind your ear, squeeze your hand… anyways. Ben got his certification as a Paramedic, but he was numb. That’s the best way to describe him. He drank, all the time. Even when we were working, I would catch him drinking. We all tried to help him.” Poe sighed, shrugging his shoulders in defeat.

 

“I see,” said Rey softly.

 

“No… Rey… you made him better. He wasn’t drinking as much. When your brother caught him that day… Ben had a breakdown, knowing he couldn’t see you anymore. He went completely rock bottom. He tried to drive his car into the lake at the same place you had your accident – so they took him to rehab.”

 

“Oh. Why… I mean, do you know why he took such an interest in me? I mean – I’m not complaining, because he saved me, but why me? Why not some other patient?” Rey had been pondering this every day since she had woken up. What was so special about her?

 

“You… you look like Sarah. Like, you could be her twin, except for the eyes. She had green eyes.” Poe watched her, trying to judge her reaction to this bit of news.

 

“Wow.” Rey blew out a long breath before finishing her burrito, her thoughts swirling in her head. Finally, she looked at Poe and gave him a small smile. “I want to meet him still. Do you think I could contact him? Would he want to hear from me?”

 

“Oh, Rey… you have no idea,” Poe said, smiling at her. “Give me your phone. I’ll give you his info.”

 

….

 

A day later found Rey strolling through a modest neighborhood, glancing at her phone for the address Poe had given her for Ben. She told herself she wasn’t insane, strolling down a strange street in broad daylight, just to catch a glimpse of a house where an insanely gorgeous man – who was currently deeply ill and in treatment – lived.

 

Still, any clues to who Ben Solo really was would help ease her nervousness and make her much more settled until he was done with treatment and she could actually talk to him.

 

She slowed as she reached the address. It was a tidy brick duplex, and as Rey stopped for a moment, she observed an older woman exiting the side that should be Ben’s, according to the mailbox, and after she locked up, she turned, her eyes meeting Rey’s.

 

Rey gave a small jump, realizing how odd it must look, and as she turned to walk down the street, the woman spoke, moving towards the sidewalk.

 

“You’re Rey, aren’t you? The only time I saw you, you were in a hospital bed.” The woman came to stand in front of Rey, one hand over her heart as she looked at her. “You really do look like Sarah, it’s uncanny, really…”

 

“Um, yes, I am Rey.” Rey’s brow furrowed in confusion as she looked at the woman. She was certain she had never seen her before.

 

“My name is Leia Organa-Solo. I’m Ben’s mother,” the woman said softly, her expression sad as she introduced herself to Rey. Leia smiled at Rey, moving to the fence surrounding the duplex and stepping outside, turning to make sure the latch was secure before facing Rey once more. “I assume Poe gave you Ben’s information, and you were trying to catch a glimpse of how he lives? I know I would if I were in your situation.” Leia looked at Rey for a moment.

 

“Guilty as charged,” Rey mumbled, her face turning a brilliant shade of red in her embarrassment at being caught by Ben’s mother, of all people.

 

“Oh, sweetie! No need to be embarrassed. Would you like to get a cup of coffee with me and talk?” Leia’s smile was calming, for some reason, and Rey found herself nodding back.

 

“Sure, I’d like that.”

 

….

  
  


The bell over the door of the small coffee shop jingled merrily as Leia and Rey made their way inside, and after placing their orders and waiting for them, they found a small bistro table towards the back that was empty.

  
  


“So… you’re the girl I’ve heard so much about.” Leia smiled at Rey as soon as they were settled into their seats.

 

“I… am?” Rey asked, trying not to blush again.

 

“Let me tell you a little about Ben and Sarah. I’m sure Poe told you that you greatly resemble her?” Leia reached out and patted Rey’s hand softly.

 

“He did.” Rey took a swallow of her drink, waiting patiently for Leia to continue.

 

“Sarah was, well, she was everything to Ben. She was gorgeous, intelligent and driven. And she loved my son completely. She would never want for Ben to drop out of med school and, well, become an alcoholic. In fact, she would be kicking his ass back into shape if she were here. But Ben… well, he loved her fiercely, and when she died, he lost himself.”

 

Rey nodded, her eyes meeting Leia’s across the table. “Poe said something like that the other day.”

 

Leia smiled. “I’m sure he did. Poe came along after Sarah died, but he and Ben hit it off right away. Poe’s pretty easy to get along with, I’m sure you noticed!” Leia let out a small chuckle, and Rey joined in after a moment.

 

“Ben is… intense. Always has been, even as a little boy. Where his sister and brothers were loud and sometimes obnoxious, Ben was always quiet, always had his nose in a book. He got bullied in school a lot for being smart, and being too tall – and back then his ears were kind of big, and his face hadn’t grown to fit his nose yet. You know how kids can be.”

 

Rey nodded again, taking another drink. She wasn’t sure how to respond, so she let Leia talk.

 

“Ben has issues, Rey, I’m sure Poe told you. He’s an alcoholic, and he has a lot of anger at the world for taking Sarah from him. When Ben feels something, he feels it with every fiber of his being, and this was no different. But we all saw a little change in him after he saved you that day. I saw a glimpse of that old sparkle in his eyes again, like my Ben was coming back to life. I hope you decide to contact him, and maybe even meet him when he comes home.” Leia patted her hand one last time before withdrawing it and smiling at Rey. As she took a long drink from her cup, she surveyed Rey once more. “Tell me about yourself, darling, if you don’t mind.”

 

So, Rey did. She found it was easy talking to Leia, and telling her about growing up in the foster system and fighting for everything she had, brought both sadness and admiration into the older woman’s eyes. She told Leia about getting a scholarship to college for her grades, her nervousness over waiting to see if she got into vet school – and about how she could hear Ben reading to her.

 

When they parted after sharing another drink, Leia insisted on exchanging phone numbers, urging Rey to reach out to Ben, and insisting that Rey promise she would contact her immediately if she needed anything.

 

Rey had never had a mother figure in her life before, but she was certain that if she could have chosen someone to fill that void – it would have been someone like Leia Organa – Solo.

 

….

 

Later that night, Rey took a deep breath and started by typing out a text message to Ben.

 

_ <5552130789> Hi Ben. I got your number from Poe Dameron. My name is Rey Sands. You saved my life, and I’d like to talk to you when you have time. Thanks, hope to hear from you soon. _

 

Next, she typed out a short email, in case Ben couldn’t access his phone, but could check his email on a computer for some reason.

 

**From: Rey Sands** [ **sandsr@chandrila.edu** ](mailto:sandsr@chandrila.edu)

 

**Subject: Hi, Ben**

 

**To:** [ **bsolo91@gmail.com** ](mailto:bsolo91@gmail.com)

 

Hi Ben,

 

Poe Dameron gave me your contact information.

 

My name is Rey Sands, and you saved my life… in more ways than just pulling me out of the water back in March.

 

I’d love to talk to you when you have time. I also texted you, and I hope you receive one of these and respond. Just in case, my cell # is 5552130789.

 

I hope to hear from you soon!

 

Rey Sands

 

….

 

As Ben lay sleeping in the rehab facility, a text message caused his phone – which was currently in Dr. Kalonia’s desk drawer after being confiscated – to vibrate, the red blinking light indicated a new text had been received.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come visit me on tumblr: [my-jedi-life](https://my-jedi-life.tumblr.com/)
> 
> And on the twitter: [MyJediLife](https://twitter.com/MyJediLife)


	9. To fan the moonbeams from his sleeping eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben has a breakthrough, and Rey gets good news, and finds forgiveness in her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks to my amazeballs beta and moodboard creator, [Azuwrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azuwrite)!
> 
> Thank you all for sticking with me. Yes, I know I have a ton of WIPs, but they are all my brain children, and I refuse to leave any of them unfed or unfinished. :)

[](https://imgur.com/Edm8poM)

Rey looked up from her phone as Finn approached her, the tiny smile she had from looking at Ben Solo’s picture – again – fading as her best friend reached the table in the small coffee shop they frequented. Rey was deep in her studying for her finals, and having this conversation with Finn was not something she wanted to do. They had been friends for so long, though, that she knew they had to clear the air between them. She was graduating in a few weeks, as were Finn and Rose, and if she got into vet school, that would consume her life for the next four years – as well as sending her wherever in the country she got into a residency.

“Hey Peanut,” Finn said quietly, sliding into the seat across from hers.

“Hey,” Rey replied, giving one more wistful glance at Ben’s smiling face on her phone before stowing it away in her bag.

“Look,” Finn said, sighing and running a hand across his head, “I’m sorry, okay? I just… you were in a coma, Rey! What the hell was I supposed to think with some strange dude sitting in your room, reading some stupid book to you? It was creepy, ok?” Finn took a swallow from his coffee cup, looking at Rey intently for a moment. They had never been able to stay mad at each other for long – but everything had changed since she had come home from the hospital.

“You could have given him a damn chance to explain himself, Finn. You know he could get fired for that? He’s… he’s in rehab, okay? What happened that day… when you reacted like that… if Doctor Hux hadn’t found him in his car that day…” Rey sighed and fought back tears. She didn’t understand why she felt such a connection to Ben – but she did. He had saved her in more ways than one, and she didn’t think she would feel right again until she got to thank him in person. “He was trying to kill himself, okay? All because you said he couldn’t see me anymore. And he wasn’t reading a stupid book, Finn. He was reading  _ Shakespeare _ , and not just any play – but my  _ favorite _ . Just… maybe it’s best if we don’t talk about Ben.”

Fin huffed out a laugh, shaking his head gently. “For someone so damn smart, you’re so naïve sometimes, Rey.”

Her head snapped up, her chin jutting out defiantly as she narrowed her eyes at him. “Just what is that supposed to mean?”

Finn took another drink of his coffee, shrugging as his eyes swept around the crowded coffee shop. “This guy. You don’t even know him, but you’re obsessed with him. It’s naïve to think you would even get along, or that he’d even live up to what you’ve built him up to in your brain. He’s a drunk, Rey. You’re brilliant. The smartest person I have ever met. You’re determined and hard-working. You need to stop fantasizing about him and concentrate on what you have here in the real world; friends, your future career, vet school, your job.” Finally, his eyes met Rey’s, and he shrugged again. “Just trying to give it to you straight, Peanut.”

“You’re a wanker, Finn. Ask me anything about Ben Solo. Go ahead. And I can probably answer it. Wanna know his favorite color? It’s blue. His favorite passage from Shakespeare? I know that too. He got a perfect score on his MCAT. Do you know how few people manage that? He wants to be a cardiologist, but he dropped out of med school after his girlfriend died. He’s close to his younger brother, Anakin. His sister tries to smother him, his older brother is the jokester of the family. He loves his parents dearly. He feels like a failure, all because someone he loved dearly died from ovarian cancer, and he didn’t think he could go on without her. Does that seem like a bad person to you? Ben is deeply troubled, Finn, and you should show some damn compassion, because that man brought me back to life. I woke up for  _ him _ . He needed me just as badly as I needed him. Still does. You know I don’t just give up on people I care about, and frankly, your accusation hurts.” Rey took a long drink of her own coffee now, looking at Finn’s reaction.

His face fell as he realized just how coldhearted he had sounded to Rey, and he heaved a sigh, throwing a hand up in frustration. “Okay, I’m sorry, Rey. Just… be careful, okay? I don’t want to see some guy ruin everything you’ve worked so hard for.”

“He’s not just some guy, Finn. Look, it’s hard to explain. We have a connection. His was the only voice I heard the whole time I was in my coma. Only his. Kayla told me that you and Rose were there every day, but I never heard you guys. I was just floating in the darkness, disconnected. Then, he would come in and say my name, and I would fight so hard to wake up so I could talk to him. I know you and Rose worry about me – but I’m not giving up on Ben. So, either you can accept it, and my anger at your actions, or you can walk away like the majority of people in my life have. That’s your decision to make.”

“Rey…” Finn reached out across the table to clasp her hand. “You’re my best friend. You know I am not going anywhere. Can we just make up, so I can stop crying myself to sleep every night?” Finn crossed his eyes and stuck his tongue out the side of his mouth, and Rey couldn’t help it – a laugh left her lips and she felt her anger towards Finn melting away.

“Alright, alright, for the sake of your tears, we can make up. I love you, Peanut, just trust me, okay?”

“Okay. I do.” Finn smiled at Rey, squeezing her hand.

Her phone chiming in her bag caught her attention, and Rey pulled it out, her heart racing like it always did in the hope that it was a message from Ben finally. As she unlocked it, her eyes widened as she saw the email notification pop up, gasping audibly.

“Peanut?” Finn asked, worry showing in his eyes as he watched Rey.

Rey’s hand flew to her mouth, tears pooling in her eyes as she read the email a second time, not sure if she had read it correctly the first. “I got in… first try. Finn! I got into Coruscant’s vet school!”

Finn let out a loud whoop that had several people looking their direction, and he came around the table, picking Rey up from her seat and hugging her tightly. “Congrats, Peanut. I knew you’d get in – they’d be stupid to deny you!”

Rey simply nodded, smiling through her tears. She had made it through her accident for a reason, after all. Finally, her life was coming together better than she had ever hoped. Now, if only Ben would answer her.

….

“Tell me about you and Sarah more. Was it love at first sight for her too?” Doctor Kalonia looked at Ben, elbows perched on her desk as she waited for him to talk.

Ben was sitting in the chair in front of her desk, his head clasped between his hands. He knew the conversations were going to grow harder as his rehab continued – but he still wasn’t ready to talk about Sarah. Her loss was still too raw, like glass shredding his insides.

But oh, how he needed to be out of this place. He knew they would never sign the papers to release him if he didn’t talk. A fleeting thought of Rey crossed his mind – how was she doing? Was she even still alive? She had to be, right? Wouldn’t he get some inkling of it if she had died?

Sighing and using his palms to grind some of the weariness out of his eyes, Ben opened his mouth and began to talk.

“For me it was, but not for her.”

….

_ “I asked Sarah Lake out this morning,” Hux said casually as they sat at the small table in their apartment after their classes, and Ben almost choked on the cereal he had been feasting on.  _

_ Trying to keep his face neutral, he managed an interested, “Oh?” before going back to his bowl, shoving more of the milky, sugary food into his face. _

_ He had been trying to find the courage to ask her out for a month now – but it seemed Hux had beaten him to it. Ben felt his heart sink as Armitage nodded. _

_ “Yes. We’re having dinner tonight. I’m sure pornhub will help you get through the ache of not having me home to harass, Benning. Do try and clean up the take away I’m certain you will order, mate.” _

_ Ben just nodded as Armie stood, clapping him on the shoulder before he headed off to get ready. _

….

“So, she dated your best friend first? That had to have been hard for you, Ben.” Dr. Kalonia looked at him, sympathy apparent in her gaze. She typed something on the keyboard of her tablet, the keys making the only sound in the room for a long moment before Ben finally spoke again, nodding his head slightly.

“Yeah. It sucked. Here I was, in love with her, so much it hurt, and to see her with Hux, laughing and touching him – when all I wanted was to be able to touch her as well. Yeah. It wasn’t easy for me at all.” Ben looked up at Dr. Kalonia before glancing at the clock.

Shit. A half-hour to go before he could go back to his room and try to sleep until the next therapy session they required him to go to.

“So, what happened to bring you together?” Dr. Kalonia asked, genuine curiosity in her voice.

“The heart.” Ben looked up, realizing how that might sound to Dr. Kalonia. “We were studying for finals. I… I’ve always been good at anything related to cardiac medicine – my plans were to get a fellowship somewhere and become a cardiologist. Sarah was struggling, and Armie asked me to help her. So I did.”

….

_ Pizza boxes were strewn across the table, and Sarah was leaning over, watching as Ben pointed to a diagram on his laptop. “Okay, explain this diagram to me.” Sarah looked up at him and smiled, and Ben’s heart stuttered in his chest. _

_ He had been working with her for two weeks now, preparing her for final exams in the subject she was having the hardest time with. It wasn’t that she was unintelligent, it was simply the fact that with the cardiac system – there was a lot of material to take in and commit to memory. Luckily, this was always the specialty Ben had wanted to go into, so it made perfect sense for Armie to ask him to work with her. _

_ He didn’t know when the air changed in the room, but all of a sudden, there was a pull between them, and their lips met, the kiss seeming to last a while before Ben pulled away, putting some distance between them. _

_ “No… Sarah, I should have pulled away sooner. I’m sorry. You’re my best friend’s girlfriend.” Ben took in a deep breath, trying to calm his racing heart. _

_ “I was, yes. Until this morning. I realized something in the last couple of weeks, Ben. Armie is an amazing man – but there’s something between us that I think we need to explore. The way you have always looked at me, it’s like I’m this priceless treasure or something. I couldn’t be with Armitage when I was conflicted like that, so I broke things off with him.” Sarah put a hand on Ben’s arm gently. _

_ “Oh,” Ben said, his voice slightly above a whisper. Swallowing hard, Ben finally looked up into her eyes before asking her, “So, would you like to have dinner sometime?” _

_ Sarah smiled at him. “Yes, Ben. Yes I would.” _

….

“How did Armitage feel about that?” Dr. Kalonia asked.

Ben barked out a laugh. “He was… British… about it. It put a strain on our friendship, but after a while, when he saw how much Sar and I loved each other, he agreed it was never meant to be with them. He still loved her though… everyone who met her loved her, she had this infectious energy and a wicked sense of humor. I was so happy…” Ben stopped, choking up as tears came to his eyes. “She… she was everything. We were so happy…” Sitting forward again, his elbows on his knees and his palms covering his eyes, Ben openly wept for the rest of the session. 

Dr. Kalonia said nothing more, just nodding at him as he stood. “I’ll see you the day after tomorrow, Ben.”

Ben lie on his bed a half-hour later, letting another memory swim over him. Instead of it feeling like his flesh was being rendered from his bone, it was almost cathartic to let himself remember the good times. Without the haze of alcohol and drugs in his system – he was beginning to see how badly he had fucked up, but there was a ray of hope for him yet, he saw.

If only she’d wake up and let him talk to her.

….

_ “What’s that?” Ben asked softly, his chin resting on Sarah’s shoulder as she pulled a book out of a moving box. They had moved into their duplex the day before, and were busy unpacking the many boxes littering the living room. _

_ “Oh…  _ A Midsummer’s Night Dream _. Armitage gave it to me when we were dating. He was being a sap…” Sarah opened the front cover to reveal Armitage’s neat script across the inside. ‘To my darling Sarah – beautiful words for a beautiful woman. All my love always – Armie.’ _

_ Ben snorted as his eyes danced over the words. “Besides it being your favorite piece from old Billy Shakespeare, he does have a point here – you are beautiful.” Ben kissed the spot where her neck met her shoulder, his arms going around her to pull her back into him. “I love you, Sar.” _

_ “I love you too, Ben,” Sarah said, the book still in her hands as she turned around to plant a kiss on his lips tenderly. _

….

Even though he had more questions than answers, as Ben drifted off to sleep before his next therapy session, he once again let a different feeling come over him, one he hadn’t felt in a very long time.

**Hope** .

….

Rey opened the door to the small bar, giggling as Rose let out a loud whoop behind her in excitement. They were out celebrating their recent graduation, as well as Rey’s acceptance into veterinary school in Coruscant.

She was ecstatic. She had gotten into her top choice school, on the first attempt – all after spending months in a coma and recovery. Still, moving three hours away from her best friends, and the only home she had ever made for herself, was terrifying.

She had three months to make her peace with it – and hopefully – talk to Ben Solo.

As the three of them settled into a table and ordered their first rounds, the door opened to admit another group of acquaintances, also celebrating their graduation, and as the three of them were surrounded by people, Rey didn’t even notice the dark-haired, dark-eyed man approaching her until he was standing behind her, tapping her on the shoulder.

Rey half-turned, a huge grin coming to her face as she recognized Poe Dameron, who also had a smile on his face, his arm wrapped around Rey’s friend – and one of the nurses who had taken care of her in the hospital – Kayla Kenobi.

“Hey you guys! I wasn’t sure if you’d be able to come tonight or not with your work schedules!” Rey turned to hug them both, genuinely happy to see them. Since meeting with Poe, Rey had kept in touch with him, as well as texting Kayla on a daily basis. Rey thought of them both as friends now, and, she admitted, it was nice to know Poe would update her with any news of Ben. Although Leia had told her to keep in touch, she hadn’t found the courage to reach out to his mother again yet.

“Happy to be here, Rey! Congrats on both accomplishments!” Poe looked at Rey, tilting his head to one side to indicate he wanted to speak to her. She nodded, moving away from the table, into a corner of the crowded bar, raising an eyebrow at Poe as he leaned in to say something. “I have some news of the Ben Solo variety I thought you might want to hear,” Poe smirked at her before continuing, “Leia and I caught up the other day. She went and saw Ben… she didn’t tell him you were awake yet, because frankly, she thought that might affect his rehab. But, Rey… my man is doing it on his own. Leia says he looked better, more like the guy in the pictures I’ve seen from before Sarah’s death. Leia said he was talking about maybe looking into going back to med school, and definitely looking forward to coming back to work. But, Rey… he lost access to his phone a couple weeks ago because he refused to go to a group session or something. So, he hasn’t seen your messages yet. Also… Leia said if he keeps up making progress, they are set to spring him in two weeks or so.”

Rey brought a hand up to her mouth, tears pooling in her eyes. Hope bloomed in her heart that maybe, sometime very soon, she would be able to meet the man who had consumed almost every waking thought since she came to in the hospital. Without thinking about it, Rey threw her arms around Poe’s neck, pulling him in for a hug.

“Thanks, Poe… I needed that update.”

Poe nodded. “I know sunshine. I needed it too.”

….

A week later found Ben sitting in Dr. Kalonia’s office, a smirk on his face as he looked at the doctor. Something had changed inside him since coming here and getting sober, like a veil of sadness and depression had lifted off him, leaving sunlight where once only darkness had existed.

It felt good to know he wasn’t a hopeless drunk who disappointed everyone around him anymore. Of course, it could be the antidepressants talking – but he felt better.

“So, Ben, what are your plans when we release you next week?” Dr. Kalonia smiled at him, leaning forward in her chair.

“Hmm. Watching television, sleeping in my own bed, going back to work, going to meetings and maybe volunteering. I am also going to see about getting back into med school, you know, to become a  _ real _ doctor?” Ben chuckled, watching Dr. Kalonia shake her head as she let out a chuckle as well.

“Just remember, Benning, you need to look towards the future and not the past. We both know Sarah would want you to move on. You have a brilliant future, I can just tell. And, if Rey wakes up and decides she wants to meet you – you want to be at your best, as well, right? But please, Ben… please remember she is not Sarah.”

Ben nodded at the doctor. He knew she was right. He wasn’t the type of man to dwell on dreams – but recently, he had been dreaming about Sarah.

….

_ “Ben?” _

_ They were sitting beside a quiet pond they used to frequent, and Sarah was sitting between his legs, his arms around her protectively. _

_ “Yeah, Sar?” Ben hummed happily, nuzzling her neck with his nose. _

_ “You need to let me go, Ben. You’re still holding on. I’m your past, and as much as I would love to come home and be with you, I can’t. You know that, right? Let the past die – kill it if you have to. It’s the only way you’ll ever be who you’re meant to be. Remember - no one is ever really gone, though. I’ll always be in your heart, but I know there’s someone else out there for you, and she’s in your heart too. I can feel her there.” _

_ “Sar…” He could feel tears on his cheek now, and through his tears, he asked, “What if I’m never enough, for anyone? I’m such a failure, such a disappointment. I’m a drunk, Sar. How can I ever be enough for any of them again, or… or her?” _

_ Sarah half-turned to look at him, the palm of her hand brushing his cheek. “Oh, Ben, you’re enough. Please, stay sober. Go back to med school. Make me proud. If you don’t, I’ll know my memory means nothing to you – and I’ll find a way to haunt you for eternity.” Sarah grinned at him before kissing him softly and standing. “I love you, Benning. Now, please, be the man I know you are.” _

_ As she faded away and Ben woke, his pillows and cheeks were wet with tears. _

….

“I’ll remember, Doc,” Ben replied, as he was pulled from his reverie. Dr. Kalonia smiled, reaching into her desk and pulling out his cellphone before sliding it across the wood to him.

“You earned this, Ben. I am proud of you.” Dr. Kalonia smiled, and Ben took the phone and stood to leave. “It might need charged by now, I’m afraid. I’ll see you the day after tomorrow. I hope we can discuss more plans for when you go home then.”

“Thanks, Doc. We will.”

After he went back to his room, he plugged in his phone, scrolling through his missed messages as soon as he was able to turn the phone back on. Poe, his mother and siblings, his father, Kayla, and one unknown number that caught his attention had all sent texts to him – so Ben focused on the strange number first, almost choking when he read the text.

> _ <5552130789> Hi Ben. I got your number from Poe Dameron. My name is Rey Sands. You saved my life, and I’d like to talk to you when you have time. Thanks, hope to hear from you soon. _

Staring at the screen for a solid two minutes, Ben felt his heart start thudding in his chest.

_ Rey was awake. Rey wanted to talk to him. Rey saved him as much as he saved her. _

_ Maybe there was hope for him yet. _

Huffing out a breath, Ben typed back a message as fast as he could.

> _ <To: Rey> Hi Rey. I haven’t had access to my phone, so I’m sorry. I am just now reading your message. I would love to talk to you. -Ben _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave comments and kudos, and mash that subscribe button if you like what you see! <3
> 
> Come visit me on tumblr: [my-jedi-life](https://my-jedi-life.tumblr.com/)
> 
> And on the twitter: [MyJediLife](https://twitter.com/MyJediLife) (All the twitters - I know them!)

**Author's Note:**

> Visit me on twitter & instagram: myjedilife or tumblr: my-jedi-life
> 
> MUAHZ!
> 
> I love comments. Comments are love. Kudos are chocolate... and I love both - so gimme!


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